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Shooting Star 45: Heat My Soul Up With Ecstacy.

Sep. 6th, 2009 | 02:52 am
location: "Home"
mood: sad sad
music: Cassie Steele - You & I

Cassie Steele - "You & I"

I was down, I was low,
Till' you came and gave me hope.
I was lost and I was tired,
Till' you came and took me higher
You were kind and you were strong,
You were everything I want
Didn't have you, now I have you, Baby Can you

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It feels so right

I was broken, I was cold,
Something missing in my soul
I stumbled in, you helped me stand,
From that day on, You were my man
I will heal, I will hold, I will give you my shoulder to lean on
Cause you need love, We all need love

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It's Your Life

Since you been mine
Life has been so fine
I wake up each day smiling
What I live For
The only thing I want boy
Is you
I'm yours

I was down, I was low,
Till' you came and gave me hope.
I was lost and I was tired,
Till' you came and took me higher

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It feels so right

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It feels so right

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Shooting Star 43: Welcome To My Trainwreck Baby, I Guess We're Getting Out Of Control.

Aug. 24th, 2009 | 11:57 am
location: Home
mood: drained drained
music: Cassie Steele - Crash My Party

Wow, over 2 months without an update? I really need to learn to be more disciplined with this thing. So, updating since my last post, I did end up having lunch with my 2 aunts, my Uncles Bingham and Carlo, Carlo's sister Olga and her husband and grandchild, Bingham's friend Patty, and of course Skylar. We ended up having dim sum, which was especially yummy given that it had been about 3 years since I've had it, but all the while it was awkward. I'm sure it had more to do with the aspect of time given since I had seen my aunt's, but it really felt in a way that there was 1 or several elephants in the room; don't ask me what they were, it just made me a bit uncomfortable, especially when my Aunt Chris (the one I don't trust as far as I can throw her) was acting all maternal but I suppose "nearly facing your own death" can change you, and giving her the benefit of the doubt, she did seem to be much more grounded than I remember her ever being. So yeah, we had a really good and really expensive (Bingham treated all 9 of us, imagine how much that cost when I remember it being at least $20 per person, and Bingham ordered somethings off of the regular menu) lunch, went to Bookman's for a while, and then retreated to my Aunt's house for a brief bit.

Talk about memories, I a small chunk of my early childhood there, whether it was my Aunt watching my brother and I, spending the night, or birthday parties. Nothing really changed there except for the backyard, but it still has the same "feel" to it, if that makes any sense. We didn't end up staying very long, mostly because Skylar was reacting to her massively large cats, but it didn't hurt that I was getting pretty anxious. After that, the big event was me going into the hospital for the most uncomfortable 5 days of my life. My head was wired up with EEG leads, I had to stay in bed the whole time, the room was especially warm, and the only time I could get up was when I had to go to the bathroom and even that I couldn't do by myself. After 5 days, I ended up having 6 non-epileptic "events", and I'll find out more about what that means on September 2nd when I see my neurologist. As far as the seizures are concerned, I'm having better results I think. I went a little over 2 weeks without a seizure until I had one this past Tuesday, but I'm drained and lethargic ALL THE TIME, my left arm is still messed up (can't feel it alot, and I only have to working fingers), and I often times feel as though I'm being "pulled" into the feeling of being underwater. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

Another event of interest is that I ended suspended my friendship with Aaron, the one that I write all of the emo/maudlin/pathetically sad entries about. After a tumultuous evening, I took a lot of thought and realized, I can't keep being angry at him and feeling that everything that he does stems from some sort of act of betrayal, and I don't want him to think that I am some jealous/spoiled rotten little brat who has a bitch fit every time something falls out of my control. It's not a healthy way to live, and it's not healthy for an over 6 year friendship that I carry close to my heart to ever endure. So, with the hope of mutual healing, I severed all ties to him (mostly on social networking sites), and it ended up exploding into a powderkeg. In the interest of not reopening fresh wounds and sparing my left hand from typing all of this out, it was ugly and Aaron was REALLY angry, and he has every right to be, I certainly can't stop him from that. Whether that comes off as high-and-mighty, or even slightly frigid, I know that I have to be steadfast in my decision to try and "fix" myself from being this angry for putting myself into an almost masochistic position, when all I really want to do at times is pick up the phone and call him (which is a difficult thing to do considering I deleted his number off of my phone). Even though the proverbial shit hit the fan, it doesn't mean that I don't think of him often and still don't care about him even though I am still fairly resentful, I'm not going to lie about that, but I realize that that's something that I need to work on if I ever have any hope of Aaron and I coming back to a place of friendship or even civility because he and I share more than one mutual friend.

Aside from that, the only thing left is drag, and I'm glad for that. It gets me out of the house when I would otherwise vegetate because I don't have the energy to do anything else (even the gym, swimming at Pam's with Skylar and Kiefer [oh yeah, Pam (Skylar's mom) got a rottweiler puppy at the end of July], or even doing Wii Fit take a lot out of me lately). We're currently prepping for a busy October; we're doing Tucson Pride, a benefit for the All Souls Precession, IDKE's kick-off show, and then a 4 day conference that we're hosting (IDKE), all back-to-back. So yeah, needless to say, October's going to be interesting. Last weekend, we went down to Douglas and had a photo shoot at the boarder, literally at the freaking border fence/wall. It was intense, I was having panic attacks left and right because I was in face the whole time, but all-in-all, it was an amazing trip, filled with laughter, good shots from what I hear, and bonding with my troupe mates. I got a copy of one of our group shots yesterday at practice, and I was moved by it for some reason, it came out beautifully.

So that's pretty much it. Sky and I are meeting up with the family again tonight at Gee's and I'll *hopefully* update about that tonight.

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Shooting Star 42: Everyday I Feel I'm Falling Backwards To The Beginning

Jun. 11th, 2009 | 03:26 pm
location: "Home"
mood: depressed depressed
music: Jakalope - Delicious

Delicious by Jakalope

Verse 1:
You don't need to lie
You talk through your eyes
By the way you look at me I see
I've been here before
I know how it goes
I am the antidote to your lost cause
Open up your mind
Let me see inside
There's no room to hide behind the lines
I'm separated
And I'm jaded
Paranoia make some room

Heavy thoughts on my heavy heart
I've spent too much time in the dark
To turn on the TV
Continue to tell me
These are the things you know you'll never be
Addicted to dreaming
Only when I'm sleeping
Can anyone hear me?
Have we lost our meaning?
In our nothing
In our solitude of nothing left to loose

I remember everything
A bird can't fly with broken wings
So tell me what will it be
And then I hear my calling
In this hell in which I'm walking
Everyday I feel I'm falling backwards to the beginning

Verse 2:
Hand over the torch
What did you do it for?
You were never that good
You always wanted more
I'm here to clean the mess you made
And I don't want to talk about it

And in your innocence the strength was lost
Faith meets devotion at a high cost
And now what do you get for all your sacrifice?

I remember everything
A bird can't fly with broken wings
Tell me what will it be (and I don't want to talk about it)
And then I hear my calling
In this hell in which I'm walking
Everyday I feel I'm falling backwards

I gave all you wanted
But you still asked for more
I sold my soul
You bought it all

And I remember everything
A bird can't fly with broken wings
Tell me what will it be
And then I hear my calling
In this hell in which I'm walking
Everyday I feel I'm falling backwards to the beginning

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Shooting Star 39: Where Do You Go When You're Lonely? I'll Follow You When The Stars Go Blue.

Jun. 9th, 2009 | 12:30 am
location: "Home"
mood: irritated irritated
music: Tyler Hilton & Bethany Joy Galeotti - When The Stars Go Blue

So for the last six to eight weeks, I've pretty much been in the constant state of feeling like I'm on tenderhooks. There's been a lot of uncertainty, a lot of confusion, a great deal of fear, and very little hope. I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but at this point in the game, I believe that said light is coming from an oncoming train. I know that that's a very jaded statement of me to make, but nothing is going right! Just when I think that I have a foothold on anything, the ground seems to slip out from underneath me, and I feel like I've landed on my ass yet again. I'll get more to that, but for now, let me summarize the last two months.

Skylar and I went up to Phoenix for Pride, and that was...interesting. Boys R Us performed, and it was a mixed crowd, there was some drama backstage, and at this point (or last I bothered to check), most of us feel like we don't want to perform back there again. We were rushed moreso than usual, 15 minutes of our set was cut to accomodate someone else, and all in all, for the most part it wasn't a pleasant experience. Sky's and my allergies were kicking in something fierce, and I honestly thought that due to a problem with my contacts, that I had contracted pink eye, but thankfully it was just allergies. We met up with Uncle Bing and Carlo at the Cheesecake Factory at Biltmore Mall, and we had a really good time, albeit we sat there for the better part of 3 hours and my ass hurt really bad, and from there we went to Uncle Bing and Carlo's townhouse. Even though it was a bit small, it was cozy, and as I was looking things over and getting a tour, waves of memories washed over me, as well as something of a very secure feeling. It was one of the most comfortable, and safest moments with my father's side of the family that I can remember in a very long time, if ever.

Sky and I left with the loose promise that we would be back up again when time and finances allowed. Uncle Bing and I still keep in touch via e-mail, and I think that I'm in a very good place as far as that's concerned. Next major event that I can think of was Boys R Us's show at Victory bar in early May, and that was a topsy turvy show that I don't even want to get into right here and now. Shortly after that, with the news from my neurologist that he would not only not clear me to drive, he wants me admitted to the hospital (which will happen at the end of this month) for video diagnostic testing and another MRI. I ended up loosing a good job opportunity because of that, and I was also fired from UMC in the process! While the UMC issue will hopefully be addressed at the end of this month with the help of the county attorney's office, at present time, I'm pretty much stuck for the time being. I did have a potential temp-to-hire position at an oncology clinic that I was really enjoying before the plug was pulled on that, and to this day I have no idea why. Part of me thinks that it's because I had a seizure at work, and they didn't want that liability, but they told my agency that they didn't need me for the time being, and that the prospect of temp-to-hire would be re-addressed at a later time.

I was told by one of the other Medical Assistants there that it was because of a hiring freeze, but this company has had an ad on Careerbuilder.com since before I started there, and it's still on there as I type this out. I'm pissed about that, because it was a good position, I could have learned a lot, I had excellent patient interaction, and best of all my co-workers all seemed to like me! It was perfect, I had all my ducks in a row, the only problem was that the powers that be at the clinic couldn't make up their minds about what to do with me, especially from a scheduling standpoint. I've tried calling them myself, I've tried having my agency follow up on it, but nothing's happened. So my recourse, waiting for Social Security to pan out (which, at last estimate, I won't hear anything about from between the beginning of July to the end of October) and applying for unemployment (which due to errors in their system, I have to go through something called judification, which when the process is all said and done, could take 6 to 8 weeks from what they told me today). So basically for the time being, I'm pretty much destitute. Thank Gods that Skylar is able to support the household, otherwise we'd be homeless.

Since this has happened, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't sit and just bawl my eyes out. I've had bad luck/bad situations happen to me before, but it's never been this bad before. I've been job hunting, but everything in my field requires me to be able to drive, and even though I am currently driving, when a potential employer learns that I'm epileptic (because I'm going to be upfront about that, in case I have a seizure at work) it's pretty much a red flag, and with my neurologist refusing to sign a waiver or whatever, I'm still at square one. I've been calling everyday between Social Security, DES, and unemployment to see what my options are and try to get some assistance, and I get the same message everytime I call "You'll have to wait it out and see what happens". What they don't understand is, if it weren't for Skylar, I'd be on the fucking street, probably without medication, and as a result, I'd probably be brain damaged because without medication, I have grand mal seizures! It's not to say that I don't have seizures even with my medications, but they aren't grand mals, and they're somewhat managable even though clonic seizures wipe me out almost the same way as grand mals.

It sucks when the system you've tried NOT to use and made a concerted effort to not use because you didn't want people to look down on you for being another statistic isn't able to help you when you really need it. What the hell are aid agencies for when they aren't going to or aren't able to provide you aid and they simply tell you to "Wait it out" and treat you like a statistic and don't even make eye contact with you half of the time? I've been "waiting it out" of almost three months, waiting for something to happen, and nothing's fucking happening! If I could safely work, where I wouldn't possibly endanger people, I would! I would get my ass up everyday, and bust my butt because even though I may bitch, whine and complain about my job, I take great pride in the fact that I'm out there doing something that not only contributes to society as a whole, but it also contributes to the greater good and the grand scope of things. Healthcare isn't an easy profession, but after 6 years, IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! Stepping outside of the box, would for the most part take career training, and who's going to "take a chance" on someone who's a safety risk potential or otherwise because of a disability? It would be nice to gloss over that, but it's not likely. So in the meantime, I job hunt, inquire of my case status with unemployment and SSDI, and "wait it out".

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Apr. 23rd, 2009 | 01:21 pm
location: "Home"
mood: amused amused
music: Eve - Gangsta Love

Taken from raine_insane

What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
The chalupa combo meal.

Have you ever had a garage sale?
Once when I was like, 10.

What color is your iPod?
It's a black iPod Touch.

What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
A sip of Scotch on Easter.

Are you happy right now?
Worn out, fighting a cold.

Who came over last?
The Scoobs about a month ago.

Do you drink beer?

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?

What was the last movie you watched at home?
DOA: Dead Or Alive

What is in your pocket?
These pants don't have pockets.

Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?
Fiancee: Myspace. Husband: Bolt.com 10 years ago. Wow, I feel like a polygamist.

Where do you hurt?

Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?

What's something fun you did today?
I had yummy left-over pasta with pork chops!

What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
Um, I don't think I have one.

When is your birthday?
May 11th, 1983.

Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
A rainbow necklace.

What kind of milk do you drink
Vanilla Silk soymilk.

What are you going to do after this?
Rest up before practice at 6.

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Shooting Star 38: When You Go All I Know Is You're My Favorite Mistake.

Mar. 28th, 2009 | 11:59 pm
location: "Home"
mood: determined determined
music: Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake

So in the last week or so, my Uncle Bingham and I have been exchanging e-mails and it's been interesting to say the least, but I'll get back to that later. The past weekend ended on the same note as the week began, blah. I had the Scoobs over, all of them (sans of course Ruben); Dorian, Adam, Aaron Gloria, and Fox Xander. We hung out, ate pizza, played Apples to Apples, went to the hot tub, and then came back but everyone soon left afterward. It was a good time, Fox Xander kinda annoyed me by being his usual, grandstanding look-at-me self, and in typical fashion jipped the collective fund for food and had Dorian cover his cost. It's good to know though that in nearly ten years of knowing him, that he's never once changed in those regards and is at least consistent. I felt uncomfortable with all of the people over (more like claustrophobia as opposed to social anxiety, though there certainly was some of that), and also I feel that Xander and Dorian are people that I don't know anymore. Sure, I haven't exactly made the effort to socialize with them since they returned, but I was hoping that once we got everyone together again, that things would just automatically sync back to how they once were, and all past character archetypes would re-assume themselves, but I was wrong.

I don't know though. Tuesday was the drag potluck, and that went better than I thought it would; I was expecting drama over Amber's solo, but we ate, drank, made merry and watched the tape of the last show, and all was well. We even went over some ideas for the upcoming shows, and all in all it was a good time. Thursday was practice, and that was slightly more drama filled. Once again Amber is being (at least in my opinion) as something of a precious jewel within the group that needs to be shown off as often as possible, and it's unnerving to no end. That and when there was a bit of downtime, I noticed just how shut out of the group I am. No one talked to me outside of working on numbers, I sat away from everyone while everyone cliqued up with each other, and it made me uncomfortable. I hope that it will get better in time, but for the time being, every single time I'm with the troupe, I feel uncomfortable and feel like an outcast.

Anyway, onto the e-mail correspondence with my Uncle. I really don't know what else to say other than, it's been a wake up call. I've realized just how diabolical my father is, saying years ago that if I were to ever "become gay" that he would "put me down like a dog". So loving. He also told my Uncle that if he had known that he and my Uncle Forrest were gay, that he would have given his queer bashing friends their addresses. What kind of human being does that? Then I realized that my Nana, who I've known for years to be a duplicitous bitch, to be truly the the tree that has spawned such bad seeds. She doesn't care what message her alliance with my father sends to anyone within the family, especially to me and Michael, she's content to essentially play the part of a Jew befriending a hostile Nazi. Makes me so proud to be a Holley/Lowe.

I've come out to my Uncle, and he is supportive and eager to meet Skylar, and through him I've learned that my Nana is currently in the hospital after falling and shattering her leg. I had several dreams last night that I went to the hospital to see her, and part of me thinks that I should. The other part of me is so blinded by my contempt for her and the many ways she has betrayed me in recent years to care about her declining health. I commend Bingham for being the bigger person and going to see her after more than 7 years of estrangement, but I can't bring myself to do it. I resigned myself years ago to the thought that after things went down the way that they did, that the next time I would see her or my father would be at my Nana's funeral, and I know that I'll probably be hard-headed sticking to that conviction.

I really don't want them to be part of my life. How would I benefit? What would I learn other than how to hurt and betray people, look them in the eyes as they don't even know I'm doing it, and not have any guilt, remorse, or anything and do it all with a smile on my face? I know that my father's side of the family seems to have a legacy for hate, grudges and destruction, and at times I've given into that side of my genetic imprinting or rather emotional conditioning, but I don't want to do that or be that person. I don't want to "embrace my destiny" as it were and become such an ugly person as most people are on that side of the family, that's probably the biggest reason aside from them being some of the biggest conniving assholes and officious cunts in the world, that I've stayed away from them. I don't want to be like that!

Talking with my Uncle has made one thing very clear to me, I didn't make the wrong decision staying away and keeping them all at arms length. They're all like viruses, hell even Bingham admits to that, and he and my Aunt Alix (I guess she's going by a new name now -_-;) made the smartest decision to isolate themselves from the rest of them. Even though I've never seen that side of my family as nothing more than something that I don't want to know and often at times the bane of my existance, their example is something that I can learn from. I can stop the cycle of hate by just not giving a damn! I can certainly be bitter and resentful toward them, from a distance, but it's not something that I have to bring to the table when I see them, because I intend to stay in my self-induced exile for as long as necessary. I won't allow their darkness to infect me. I enjoy my light, and I intend to keep it intact. I've seen, and had too much darkness in my life to allow it to sully me now, and I'm not going to allow that to happen. As cliche as it sounds, I'm gonna let this little light of mine shine. I'm gonna let it shine. I have to believe in the positives and hope that things will get better, especially when things keep piling up on top of me.

Oh, yeah, on Friday I applied for government assistance and Social Security because it looks like I won't be going back to work until May at the earliest. I'm going to see if doctor Vig will at least approve extremely light duty, because I need money. *sigh*

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Long survey thingy

Mar. 22nd, 2009 | 02:51 am
location: "Home"
mood: exhausted exhausted
music: Jordan McCoy - I Get Weak

Glomped from Aaron (icyred):

Does anyone completely understand you?
Not really, but maybe a handful of people come close.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Probably to pee.

When was your last kiss?
Earlier today

Are you a happy person?
Generally, not really.

What are you stressed about?
Money, health.

What's on your mind?
The aforementioned stressors.

Where is your biological father right now?
With his replacement family in Marana.

Have you ever felt like you were "falling apart"?
Quite a few times actually.

Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad?
Who hasn't?

Have you ever felt like nothing would ever get better?
Quite a few times actually.

When you're upset and hurting, do you run to friends/​drugs/​alcohol?​
Usually I internalize it.

Do you miss anyone?
Of course.

How often do you find yourself giving someone the middle finger?
Not very often.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?

How's your life?
Always room for improvement.

If your ex said they hate you, you'd say...?
What the hell did I do to you?

Have you ever shared a blanket with someone?

Have you seen the movie Thirteen?

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/​girlfriend drinks?

Does anyone have feelings for you?
My husband.

Do you have a best friend?

Where is your phone?
On the desk.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
No where.

Does anyone call you by your last name?
Not in years.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Not in a while. I'm usually non-violent.

Has someone put their arm around you in the last five days?

How many windows are open on your computer?

Where will you be in two hours?
Hopefully asleep.

Where were you at 9 a.m.?
In bed.

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Ice cream.

When was the last time you flew in an airplane?
When we flew to Mississippi last August.

Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
Yeah, sure.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?

What were you doing at 7 am?

Who was the last person in your bedroom?

It's 4 in the morning and your phone rings, what do you do?
Sleepily walk to the phone while cursing.

How is your heart lately?

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
I'm incapable.

What makes you happy at this moment?

Do you hate being alone?
It's 50/50.

What are you wearing right now?
Boxer briefs and a wife-beater.

Do you have a good chance to be with the person you like?
We're kinda already married...

Do you believe in a thing called love?

How do you feel about rainy days?
They are to be treasured.

If you could erase anything you ever said to anyone, what would it be?
There's not enough white-out in the world.

Your stuck in a room for an hour with a chalk board, what do you draw on it?
Chalk board? No, maybe a white board.

Your theme song is called?
Push It by Garbage.

If your life was a movie, what category would it be in? (Horror, Romance)

Something you wish to accomplish before the end of the year:
Financial stability, get back in school, manage my health.

How much does it take to make you laugh?
Sometimes not much.

Which is worse: 15 pounds underweight or overweight?

Do you like eating ice cream out of the carton?
No. I prefer it in a bowl.

Do you find it gross to share drinks with family or friends?
Not really.

Does the world revolve around you?

Is everyone equally important to the world?
In the grand scheme of things, I suppose yes.

If the world comes to an end, how do you think it will go?
I don't want to think about that.

Why are you at home right now?
Because it's 3AM.

Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
My husband assuming he was awake.

How are you feeling right now?

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Do you believe in perfect?
Not really.

Are you a jealous person?
Hell yes.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
I really have to pee.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
There's always room for improvement.

What has your day consisted of so far?
Not a whole hell of a lot.

When is the last time you held a baseball bat in your hand?
Not in a while.

Who has the newer car in the driveway?
Me I suppose.

What does the shirt you're wearing look like?
It's a wife-beater.

What did you wake up to this morning?
A migraine.

What is the last movie you watch that involved people dying?

What was the last text you remember getting before you went to sleep?
Honey saying the show was great.

Who are the first three contacts in your phone book?
Aaron, Adam, and Adam V.

Have you ever seen the movie Pineapple Express?

What happened yesterday?
Running errands, the show.

How long has it been since you turned 21?
Almost 5 years.

Who did you last wish happy birthday to?

And how old did this person turn?

Are you usually a passive person?
Passive aggressive.

Do you know what the Ides of March is?
The day Julius Caesar was murdered.

Did you fall asleep before you could turn off your TV?

Will you wear any clothing that's really for the opposite sex?
I do drag, what do you think?

What 2 things do you have on 99% of the time?
Glasses, earrings.

Who is the 3rd, 7th, and 16th person in your phone?
Adam, my Aunt Anita, my friend Charlie.

Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?

Where was your last taxi ride to?

What zodiac sign are you?

Pop the collar or leave it turned down?
Down, always down.

If you suddenly found $250,000 dollars, what would you do with it?
Pay off my debts, bank the rest.

Who was the last person you hugged?
The hubby.

What nickname are you called most often?

Have you quoted any movies recently?
Not that I can think of.

Who was the last person you remember IMing?

If you turned on you iPod, do you know what would start playing?
No, I have it set to shuffle.

Do you use the cap lock key or shift key to make capital letters?

When was the last time you set foot in the ocean?
April '98 at Rocky Point.

When was the last time you yelled at someone?
Probably last week at Adam.

What is the rule about a lucky cigarette?
Recite the alphabet, and whatever one is Z, turn it upside down and smoke it last.

Do you even do that or know what it is?

When is the last time you got a smoothie?
Months ago.

Is there any ice tea in your house?

Do you pick at your nails?

Where are you going for dinner tonight?
Nowhere, I'm cooking.

Any upcoming tattoos you have plans to get?
Not in the near future.

What have you been listening to in the past 30 minutes?
iTunes on Shuffle mode.

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Shooting Star 37: Make It Through As Long As The Music Plays.

Mar. 22nd, 2009 | 12:04 am
location: "Home"
mood: depressed depressed
music: Alexz Johnson - The Music

So after some encouraging talk from Adam and from Skylar, do I feel somewhat better about the drag situation. I can honestly take from the both of them that I am a good performer, and that with every performance I do, I get progressively better, and even seeing that in photos from what I started I can see it as well, but I don't really feel it y'know? I mean, it feels really good when your friends and people that you're close to tell you that you do a good job with something that you really enjoy doing, but when you don't really seem to hear it from your peers, it kinda in a way invalidates it in a sense.

I mean, I appreciate comments and opinions all the way around whether they're positive or negative, but I think what bugs me the most is that I truly don't feel accepted or respected by my peers. I mean, even though most of my fellow queens have character flaws and whatnot, it doesn't mean that I don't respect them on a professional level and respect what they do on stage because I do. Hell, most of the queens in this town I see as something of mentors and big sisters as it were, whether that's because the drag community here is so small and everyone knows everyone or not I don't know, but the respect is there, I just wish it were reciprocal.

I may be seriously down on myself right about now, but it doesn't mean that I'm just going to say fuck it and hang up my wigs right now. I've been doing this for over 4 years now, and I love every minute of it, the highs and the lows. It's given me a thick skin when dealing with criticism, I've progressed a great deal as far as my female illusion is concerned, and on most occasions, until I open my mouth, most people don't know that I'm really a guy when I'm in drag. To me, that is the highest compliment, it shows that I really have something of a grasp on gender illusion, and it shows that I'm accomplishing what I set out to do in the first place. Just working through my depression on the issue is a bitch and a half, I already have enough stuff dragging me down (no pun intended) as it is, I don't need drag doing the same thing.

I'll be alright though, I've come this far, and that's what I need to keep telling myself. Use Damhnait's lyrics "Make it through as long as the music plays", and lately, I've made that as something of a mantra (especially work related stuff). Just gotta keep on keepin' on.

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Shooting Star 36: In A Moment I'll Feel Beautiful

Mar. 21st, 2009 | 12:41 pm
location: "Home"
mood: frustrated frustrated
music: Shirley Manson - In The Snow

So, lots to catch up on. Firstly, the show on the 28th of February was a lot of fun; three of my co-workers came out as well as Jen, Pam, Michael, Darlene, Keri and a friend of hers, all in support. I was really sort of pleased with "I Must Increase My Bust", and it was a good time. Shortly there after that, my seizure activity has increased; I haven't had a grand mal since the end of January, but I'm having lots of clonic seizures, and it gets me really drained and disoriented. At first I thought that my fatigue was from the sedating effects of my med increase, but I keep having these moments that feel like dissociative episodes in a sense, but more like memory gaps. I know that they're not grand mals, but let me tell you they FEEL just as bad because even though they're brief in duration, they happen alot (we're talking like 3 or 4 in a ten minute period). I also still have the weakness, and still not complete feeling in my left arm after my last grand mal (at the end of January).

So I was feeling pretty shitty on the 4th, really dizzy, hot, having nausea, the whole bit, and I had to leave early, and my supervisor threatened my job. Long story short, I am now on medical leave, in a weird holding pattern as far as my job is concerned, and probably won't be back to work until the end of April at the earliest. It sucks, but what can I do when I really don't feel safe to be working. Sure I'm bored shitless, worried how I'm going to pay my bills, but I've been through worse, and this is just another punch that I'll have to roll with as it were.

Aaron and I had a tense conversation this past Tuesday, in regards to the divide that I feel between us, and after almost an hour and a half talk, I feel that he and I are in a good place in our friendship now, and we're trying to get things back to the way they were. Skylar and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary this past Thursday, and it was really romantic. We kept it nice and simple, we had a wonderful dinner at the Macaroni Grill, and it was really nice. The dessert especially was good (three berry tiramisu) though the food didn't sit well with either of us. Yesterday was another Boys R Us show, and we had a great turn out, but I have mixed feelings about the show in and of itself.

There was some drama with our audience; some members being bounced because of their behavior and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with a "gender performance troupe" performing at a sort of goth/punk bar. Then there was some drama with one of the new members that joined the troupe not two months ago being given a solo, when members who have been there longer than I have (and I've been in for almost a year now) are discouraged from doing solos. I know that it was a filler piece, but I'm really frustrated with how rules seem to be being bent to accommodate this new member. She was allowed to perform in her, technically first show with us when that is a no-no for "probationary" members, and she was given a solo in her second show with us. It's not fair, it's bullshit, and I'm conflicted if I want to voice my frustrations about the issue even though I'm sure that most, if not all, of the troupe knows about it.

Then there was my piece for this show, a piece that revolved around Batman and Robin and their femme fatales capturing them, set to Bad Girl by Danity Kane. I know that I will always be my own worst critic, but the piece really did fail to meet my expectations. I don't feel that it was given the adequate time that was needed to truly make the piece great (even though the audience seemed to love it), creative control was constantly taken away from me when other members of the troupe would inject their opinions, and then there was the performance itself. None of the characters looked really recognizable, no one seemed (or at least in rehearsals) to even be enjoying the piece until just like, the week before the show, and my vision of the piece was just totally not what I wanted it to be. I feel really...I don't know how to put it in words. I know that the piece was a success, but it still failed to meet my (sometimes ridiculously) high standards.

I'm just frustrated with the troupe as a whole. There are maybe only 2 or 3 members that I feel that I've connected to. I try to be polite, courteous, inclusive, and I still feel like an outsider. I feel that, as the only drag queen in the troupe, that I am already an outcast, and for all intents and purposes I am. They have implied that I don't truly gender bend, but for me, doing drag period is gender bending because I'm male and I'm presenting myself on stage as a female. Hell, sometimes half of the members of the troupe don't truly gender bend, and they're chastising me for not gender bending!? What a mind fuck! I feel like I'm seen as the fat girl, a boy in a dress, and even though I work my ass off in this troupe, I feel that I am just another face in the crowd. I just hope that even though Dante was very encouraging of me backstage at the show, that things will start to improve, but right now, I'm so blinded by my frustration, that I can't see anything else right now. *sigh*

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Shooting Star 35: I'm Waiting For You...To Justify My Love

Feb. 16th, 2009 | 10:23 am
location: "Home"
mood: complacent complacent
music: Madonna - Justify My Love

So the weekend went fairly well. Though I, unfortunately ended up working on Valentine's Day, all in all, it was a good day. We only had two patients on the unit and had one admission, and it was a fairly easy, kickback day. There was some drama between two of my friends that happened, and I'm not sure how to react about it. I mean, on one side, I want to jump in to the defense of the friend who was "wronged" in a sense, but at the same time, I want to sit down with the other party and find out what caused this person to react the way that they did. I just think that the situation is so tenuous, that if I were to get involved, the outcome wouldn't be all that great. I will say that I'm really not happy with either of them at the moment: one of them for being a bit of a drama queen, and the other for seemingly being frigid, but c'est la vie.

Skylar came and picked me up from work, and he totally took a cue from what I did last year for Valentine's Day. The apartment was decorated with tealight candles, there was a picture (that was being broadcast via the computer) on the TV of Princess Serenity surrounded by roses and flower petals. He got me a box of my favorite chocolates, a copy of Twilight (I've been meaning to pick it up since I finally finished Harry Potter), and a new huggy. Afterward, (I kinda got emotional, no one's ever done something like that for me before) we went over to his Mom's house to do a bit of laundry and we were treated to a steak dinner by Pam and OT, and I also got to meet OT's son Andre. Needless to say, I was very much intimidated, and I didn't know what to say so I was quiet for much of the evening. We called it a night, and went home and it was back to work yesterday morning.

The day at work yesterday more or less sucked; one of my patients from the previous day became extremely needy, saying she'd kill herself just for the attention of it, and was pestering her mother all day on the phone and it was one thing after another with her. She was just so freaking draining. After work, I had drag practice, and it was pretty well productive; we worked on about 4 or 5 pieces in 2 hours and we're all pretty confident about the show on the 28th. After getting some dinner, Skylar and I came home, relaxed, and soon went to bed because I was freaking exhausted. That's been pretty much it. OH!, I forgot to mention that my laptop more or less crapped the bed, so I ended up getting a new laptop this past Thursday and got a killer deal: a Compaq Presario for under $500! Fully loaded, fast, reliable, it's awesome. Valerie (my old computer, the new one has been christened Dinah) is now Skylar's and he's going to fix her up and incorporate her into his vast menagerie of tools for diagnostic purposes. Well, I'm going to enjoy my 5 days off by pretty much not doing a damned thing. Enjoy!

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