Shooting Star:

Cassie Steele - "You & I"

I was down, I was low,
Till' you came and gave me hope.
I was lost and I was tired,
Till' you came and took me higher
You were kind and you were strong,
You were everything I want
Didn't have you, now I have you, Baby Can you

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It feels so right

I was broken, I was cold,
Something missing in my soul
I stumbled in, you helped me stand,
From that day on, You were my man
I will heal, I will hold, I will give you my shoulder to lean on
Cause you need love, We all need love

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It's Your Life

Since you been mine
Life has been so fine
I wake up each day smiling
What I live For
The only thing I want boy
Is you
I'm yours

I was down, I was low,
Till' you came and gave me hope.
I was lost and I was tired,
Till' you came and took me higher

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It feels so right

Pour your self out onto me
Heat my soul up with ecstasy
I love you
Oh I love you
Lay your Body Before Mine
Let me show you how I see the world
Through my eyes
It feels so right

Wow, over 2 months without an update? I really need to learn to be more disciplined with this thing. So, updating since my last post, I did end up having lunch with my 2 aunts, my Uncles Bingham and Carlo, Carlo's sister Olga and her husband and grandchild, Bingham's friend Patty, and of course Skylar. We ended up having dim sum, which was especially yummy given that it had been about 3 years since I've had it, but all the while it was awkward. I'm sure it had more to do with the aspect of time given since I had seen my aunt's, but it really felt in a way that there was 1 or several elephants in the room; don't ask me what they were, it just made me a bit uncomfortable, especially when my Aunt Chris (the one I don't trust as far as I can throw her) was acting all maternal but I suppose "nearly facing your own death" can change you, and giving her the benefit of the doubt, she did seem to be much more grounded than I remember her ever being. So yeah, we had a really good and really expensive (Bingham treated all 9 of us, imagine how much that cost when I remember it being at least $20 per person, and Bingham ordered somethings off of the regular menu) lunch, went to Bookman's for a while, and then retreated to my Aunt's house for a brief bit.

Talk about memories, I a small chunk of my early childhood there, whether it was my Aunt watching my brother and I, spending the night, or birthday parties. Nothing really changed there except for the backyard, but it still has the same "feel" to it, if that makes any sense. We didn't end up staying very long, mostly because Skylar was reacting to her massively large cats, but it didn't hurt that I was getting pretty anxious. After that, the big event was me going into the hospital for the most uncomfortable 5 days of my life. My head was wired up with EEG leads, I had to stay in bed the whole time, the room was especially warm, and the only time I could get up was when I had to go to the bathroom and even that I couldn't do by myself. After 5 days, I ended up having 6 non-epileptic "events", and I'll find out more about what that means on September 2nd when I see my neurologist. As far as the seizures are concerned, I'm having better results I think. I went a little over 2 weeks without a seizure until I had one this past Tuesday, but I'm drained and lethargic ALL THE TIME, my left arm is still messed up (can't feel it alot, and I only have to working fingers), and I often times feel as though I'm being "pulled" into the feeling of being underwater. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

Another event of interest is that I ended suspended my friendship with Aaron, the one that I write all of the emo/maudlin/pathetically sad entries about. After a tumultuous evening, I took a lot of thought and realized, I can't keep being angry at him and feeling that everything that he does stems from some sort of act of betrayal, and I don't want him to think that I am some jealous/spoiled rotten little brat who has a bitch fit every time something falls out of my control. It's not a healthy way to live, and it's not healthy for an over 6 year friendship that I carry close to my heart to ever endure. So, with the hope of mutual healing, I severed all ties to him (mostly on social networking sites), and it ended up exploding into a powderkeg. In the interest of not reopening fresh wounds and sparing my left hand from typing all of this out, it was ugly and Aaron was REALLY angry, and he has every right to be, I certainly can't stop him from that. Whether that comes off as high-and-mighty, or even slightly frigid, I know that I have to be steadfast in my decision to try and "fix" myself from being this angry for putting myself into an almost masochistic position, when all I really want to do at times is pick up the phone and call him (which is a difficult thing to do considering I deleted his number off of my phone). Even though the proverbial shit hit the fan, it doesn't mean that I don't think of him often and still don't care about him even though I am still fairly resentful, I'm not going to lie about that, but I realize that that's something that I need to work on if I ever have any hope of Aaron and I coming back to a place of friendship or even civility because he and I share more than one mutual friend.

Aside from that, the only thing left is drag, and I'm glad for that. It gets me out of the house when I would otherwise vegetate because I don't have the energy to do anything else (even the gym, swimming at Pam's with Skylar and Kiefer [oh yeah, Pam (Skylar's mom) got a rottweiler puppy at the end of July], or even doing Wii Fit take a lot out of me lately). We're currently prepping for a busy October; we're doing Tucson Pride, a benefit for the All Souls Precession, IDKE's kick-off show, and then a 4 day conference that we're hosting (IDKE), all back-to-back. So yeah, needless to say, October's going to be interesting. Last weekend, we went down to Douglas and had a photo shoot at the boarder, literally at the freaking border fence/wall. It was intense, I was having panic attacks left and right because I was in face the whole time, but all-in-all, it was an amazing trip, filled with laughter, good shots from what I hear, and bonding with my troupe mates. I got a copy of one of our group shots yesterday at practice, and I was moved by it for some reason, it came out beautifully.

So that's pretty much it. Sky and I are meeting up with the family again tonight at Gee's and I'll *hopefully* update about that tonight.

Delicious by Jakalope

Verse 1:
You don't need to lie
You talk through your eyes
By the way you look at me I see
I've been here before
I know how it goes
I am the antidote to your lost cause
Open up your mind
Let me see inside
There's no room to hide behind the lines
I'm separated
And I'm jaded
Paranoia make some room

Heavy thoughts on my heavy heart
I've spent too much time in the dark
To turn on the TV
Continue to tell me
These are the things you know you'll never be
Addicted to dreaming
Only when I'm sleeping
Can anyone hear me?
Have we lost our meaning?
In our nothing
In our solitude of nothing left to loose

Chorus:
I remember everything
A bird can't fly with broken wings
So tell me what will it be
And then I hear my calling
In this hell in which I'm walking
Everyday I feel I'm falling backwards to the beginning

Verse 2:
Hand over the torch
What did you do it for?
You were never that good
You always wanted more
I'm here to clean the mess you made
And I don't want to talk about it

And in your innocence the strength was lost
Faith meets devotion at a high cost
And now what do you get for all your sacrifice?

Chorus:
I remember everything
A bird can't fly with broken wings
Tell me what will it be (and I don't want to talk about it)
And then I hear my calling
In this hell in which I'm walking
Everyday I feel I'm falling backwards

Bridge:
I gave all you wanted
But you still asked for more
I sold my soul
You bought it all

Chorus:
And I remember everything
A bird can't fly with broken wings
Tell me what will it be
And then I hear my calling
In this hell in which I'm walking
Everyday I feel I'm falling backwards to the beginning

So for the last six to eight weeks, I've pretty much been in the constant state of feeling like I'm on tenderhooks. There's been a lot of uncertainty, a lot of confusion, a great deal of fear, and very little hope. I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but at this point in the game, I believe that said light is coming from an oncoming train. I know that that's a very jaded statement of me to make, but nothing is going right! Just when I think that I have a foothold on anything, the ground seems to slip out from underneath me, and I feel like I've landed on my ass yet again. I'll get more to that, but for now, let me summarize the last two months.

Skylar and I went up to Phoenix for Pride, and that was...interesting. Boys R Us performed, and it was a mixed crowd, there was some drama backstage, and at this point (or last I bothered to check), most of us feel like we don't want to perform back there again. We were rushed moreso than usual, 15 minutes of our set was cut to accomodate someone else, and all in all, for the most part it wasn't a pleasant experience. Sky's and my allergies were kicking in something fierce, and I honestly thought that due to a problem with my contacts, that I had contracted pink eye, but thankfully it was just allergies. We met up with Uncle Bing and Carlo at the Cheesecake Factory at Biltmore Mall, and we had a really good time, albeit we sat there for the better part of 3 hours and my ass hurt really bad, and from there we went to Uncle Bing and Carlo's townhouse. Even though it was a bit small, it was cozy, and as I was looking things over and getting a tour, waves of memories washed over me, as well as something of a very secure feeling. It was one of the most comfortable, and safest moments with my father's side of the family that I can remember in a very long time, if ever.

Sky and I left with the loose promise that we would be back up again when time and finances allowed. Uncle Bing and I still keep in touch via e-mail, and I think that I'm in a very good place as far as that's concerned. Next major event that I can think of was Boys R Us's show at Victory bar in early May, and that was a topsy turvy show that I don't even want to get into right here and now. Shortly after that, with the news from my neurologist that he would not only not clear me to drive, he wants me admitted to the hospital (which will happen at the end of this month) for video diagnostic testing and another MRI. I ended up loosing a good job opportunity because of that, and I was also fired from UMC in the process! While the UMC issue will hopefully be addressed at the end of this month with the help of the county attorney's office, at present time, I'm pretty much stuck for the time being. I did have a potential temp-to-hire position at an oncology clinic that I was really enjoying before the plug was pulled on that, and to this day I have no idea why. Part of me thinks that it's because I had a seizure at work, and they didn't want that liability, but they told my agency that they didn't need me for the time being, and that the prospect of temp-to-hire would be re-addressed at a later time.

I was told by one of the other Medical Assistants there that it was because of a hiring freeze, but this company has had an ad on Careerbuilder.com since before I started there, and it's still on there as I type this out. I'm pissed about that, because it was a good position, I could have learned a lot, I had excellent patient interaction, and best of all my co-workers all seemed to like me! It was perfect, I had all my ducks in a row, the only problem was that the powers that be at the clinic couldn't make up their minds about what to do with me, especially from a scheduling standpoint. I've tried calling them myself, I've tried having my agency follow up on it, but nothing's happened. So my recourse, waiting for Social Security to pan out (which, at last estimate, I won't hear anything about from between the beginning of July to the end of October) and applying for unemployment (which due to errors in their system, I have to go through something called judification, which when the process is all said and done, could take 6 to 8 weeks from what they told me today). So basically for the time being, I'm pretty much destitute. Thank Gods that Skylar is able to support the household, otherwise we'd be homeless.

Since this has happened, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't sit and just bawl my eyes out. I've had bad luck/bad situations happen to me before, but it's never been this bad before. I've been job hunting, but everything in my field requires me to be able to drive, and even though I am currently driving, when a potential employer learns that I'm epileptic (because I'm going to be upfront about that, in case I have a seizure at work) it's pretty much a red flag, and with my neurologist refusing to sign a waiver or whatever, I'm still at square one. I've been calling everyday between Social Security, DES, and unemployment to see what my options are and try to get some assistance, and I get the same message everytime I call "You'll have to wait it out and see what happens". What they don't understand is, if it weren't for Skylar, I'd be on the fucking street, probably without medication, and as a result, I'd probably be brain damaged because without medication, I have grand mal seizures! It's not to say that I don't have seizures even with my medications, but they aren't grand mals, and they're somewhat managable even though clonic seizures wipe me out almost the same way as grand mals.

It sucks when the system you've tried NOT to use and made a concerted effort to not use because you didn't want people to look down on you for being another statistic isn't able to help you when you really need it. What the hell are aid agencies for when they aren't going to or aren't able to provide you aid and they simply tell you to "Wait it out" and treat you like a statistic and don't even make eye contact with you half of the time? I've been "waiting it out" of almost three months, waiting for something to happen, and nothing's fucking happening! If I could safely work, where I wouldn't possibly endanger people, I would! I would get my ass up everyday, and bust my butt because even though I may bitch, whine and complain about my job, I take great pride in the fact that I'm out there doing something that not only contributes to society as a whole, but it also contributes to the greater good and the grand scope of things. Healthcare isn't an easy profession, but after 6 years, IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! Stepping outside of the box, would for the most part take career training, and who's going to "take a chance" on someone who's a safety risk potential or otherwise because of a disability? It would be nice to gloss over that, but it's not likely. So in the meantime, I job hunt, inquire of my case status with unemployment and SSDI, and "wait it out".

Taken from raine_insane

What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
The chalupa combo meal.

Have you ever had a garage sale?
Once when I was like, 10.

What color is your iPod?
It's a black iPod Touch.

What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
A sip of Scotch on Easter.

Are you happy right now?
Worn out, fighting a cold.

Who came over last?
The Scoobs about a month ago.

Do you drink beer?
Ew.

Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Nope.


What was the last movie you watched at home?
DOA: Dead Or Alive

What is in your pocket?
These pants don't have pockets.

Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?
Fiancee: Myspace. Husband: Bolt.com 10 years ago. Wow, I feel like a polygamist.

Where do you hurt?
Everywhere.

Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?
Yes.

What's something fun you did today?
I had yummy left-over pasta with pork chops!

What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
Um, I don't think I have one.

When is your birthday?
May 11th, 1983.

Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
A rainbow necklace.

What kind of milk do you drink
Vanilla Silk soymilk.

What are you going to do after this?
Rest up before practice at 6.

So in the last week or so, my Uncle Bingham and I have been exchanging e-mails and it's been interesting to say the least, but I'll get back to that later. The past weekend ended on the same note as the week began, blah. I had the Scoobs over, all of them (sans of course Ruben); Dorian, Adam, Aaron Gloria, and Fox Xander. We hung out, ate pizza, played Apples to Apples, went to the hot tub, and then came back but everyone soon left afterward. It was a good time, Fox Xander kinda annoyed me by being his usual, grandstanding look-at-me self, and in typical fashion jipped the collective fund for food and had Dorian cover his cost. It's good to know though that in nearly ten years of knowing him, that he's never once changed in those regards and is at least consistent. I felt uncomfortable with all of the people over (more like claustrophobia as opposed to social anxiety, though there certainly was some of that), and also I feel that Xander and Dorian are people that I don't know anymore. Sure, I haven't exactly made the effort to socialize with them since they returned, but I was hoping that once we got everyone together again, that things would just automatically sync back to how they once were, and all past character archetypes would re-assume themselves, but I was wrong.

I don't know though. Tuesday was the drag potluck, and that went better than I thought it would; I was expecting drama over Amber's solo, but we ate, drank, made merry and watched the tape of the last show, and all was well. We even went over some ideas for the upcoming shows, and all in all it was a good time. Thursday was practice, and that was slightly more drama filled. Once again Amber is being (at least in my opinion) as something of a precious jewel within the group that needs to be shown off as often as possible, and it's unnerving to no end. That and when there was a bit of downtime, I noticed just how shut out of the group I am. No one talked to me outside of working on numbers, I sat away from everyone while everyone cliqued up with each other, and it made me uncomfortable. I hope that it will get better in time, but for the time being, every single time I'm with the troupe, I feel uncomfortable and feel like an outcast.

Anyway, onto the e-mail correspondence with my Uncle. I really don't know what else to say other than, it's been a wake up call. I've realized just how diabolical my father is, saying years ago that if I were to ever "become gay" that he would "put me down like a dog". So loving. He also told my Uncle that if he had known that he and my Uncle Forrest were gay, that he would have given his queer bashing friends their addresses. What kind of human being does that? Then I realized that my Nana, who I've known for years to be a duplicitous bitch, to be truly the the tree that has spawned such bad seeds. She doesn't care what message her alliance with my father sends to anyone within the family, especially to me and Michael, she's content to essentially play the part of a Jew befriending a hostile Nazi. Makes me so proud to be a Holley/Lowe.

I've come out to my Uncle, and he is supportive and eager to meet Skylar, and through him I've learned that my Nana is currently in the hospital after falling and shattering her leg. I had several dreams last night that I went to the hospital to see her, and part of me thinks that I should. The other part of me is so blinded by my contempt for her and the many ways she has betrayed me in recent years to care about her declining health. I commend Bingham for being the bigger person and going to see her after more than 7 years of estrangement, but I can't bring myself to do it. I resigned myself years ago to the thought that after things went down the way that they did, that the next time I would see her or my father would be at my Nana's funeral, and I know that I'll probably be hard-headed sticking to that conviction.

I really don't want them to be part of my life. How would I benefit? What would I learn other than how to hurt and betray people, look them in the eyes as they don't even know I'm doing it, and not have any guilt, remorse, or anything and do it all with a smile on my face? I know that my father's side of the family seems to have a legacy for hate, grudges and destruction, and at times I've given into that side of my genetic imprinting or rather emotional conditioning, but I don't want to do that or be that person. I don't want to "embrace my destiny" as it were and become such an ugly person as most people are on that side of the family, that's probably the biggest reason aside from them being some of the biggest conniving assholes and officious cunts in the world, that I've stayed away from them. I don't want to be like that!

Talking with my Uncle has made one thing very clear to me, I didn't make the wrong decision staying away and keeping them all at arms length. They're all like viruses, hell even Bingham admits to that, and he and my Aunt Alix (I guess she's going by a new name now -_-;) made the smartest decision to isolate themselves from the rest of them. Even though I've never seen that side of my family as nothing more than something that I don't want to know and often at times the bane of my existance, their example is something that I can learn from. I can stop the cycle of hate by just not giving a damn! I can certainly be bitter and resentful toward them, from a distance, but it's not something that I have to bring to the table when I see them, because I intend to stay in my self-induced exile for as long as necessary. I won't allow their darkness to infect me. I enjoy my light, and I intend to keep it intact. I've seen, and had too much darkness in my life to allow it to sully me now, and I'm not going to allow that to happen. As cliche as it sounds, I'm gonna let this little light of mine shine. I'm gonna let it shine. I have to believe in the positives and hope that things will get better, especially when things keep piling up on top of me.

Oh, yeah, on Friday I applied for government assistance and Social Security because it looks like I won't be going back to work until May at the earliest. I'm going to see if doctor Vig will at least approve extremely light duty, because I need money. *sigh*

Glomped from Aaron (icyred):


Does anyone completely understand you?
Not really, but maybe a handful of people come close.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
Probably to pee.

When was your last kiss?
Earlier today

Are you a happy person?
Generally, not really.

What are you stressed about?
Money, health.

What's on your mind?
The aforementioned stressors.

Where is your biological father right now?
With his replacement family in Marana.

Have you ever felt like you were "falling apart"?
Quite a few times actually.

Have you ever hurt anyone when you were mad?
Who hasn't?

Have you ever felt like nothing would ever get better?
Quite a few times actually.

When you're upset and hurting, do you run to friends/​drugs/​alcohol?​
Usually I internalize it.

Do you miss anyone?
Of course.

How often do you find yourself giving someone the middle finger?
Not very often.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
Sometimes.


How's your life?
Always room for improvement.

If your ex said they hate you, you'd say...?
What the hell did I do to you?

Have you ever shared a blanket with someone?
Yes.

Have you seen the movie Thirteen?
No.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/​girlfriend drinks?
No.

Does anyone have feelings for you?
My husband.

Do you have a best friend?
Yes.

Where is your phone?
On the desk.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
No where.

Does anyone call you by your last name?
Not in years.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Not in a while. I'm usually non-violent.

Has someone put their arm around you in the last five days?
Yes.

How many windows are open on your computer?
2.

Where will you be in two hours?
Hopefully asleep.

Where were you at 9 a.m.?
In bed.

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Ice cream.

When was the last time you flew in an airplane?
When we flew to Mississippi last August.

Are you going anywhere for the next summer?
Yeah, sure.

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
No.

What were you doing at 7 am?
Sleeping.

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
Skylar.

It's 4 in the morning and your phone rings, what do you do?
Sleepily walk to the phone while cursing.

How is your heart lately?
Good.

Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
I'm incapable.

What makes you happy at this moment?
Music.

Do you hate being alone?
It's 50/50.

What are you wearing right now?
Boxer briefs and a wife-beater.

Do you have a good chance to be with the person you like?
We're kinda already married...

Do you believe in a thing called love?
Yes.

How do you feel about rainy days?
They are to be treasured.

If you could erase anything you ever said to anyone, what would it be?
There's not enough white-out in the world.

Your stuck in a room for an hour with a chalk board, what do you draw on it?
Chalk board? No, maybe a white board.

Your theme song is called?
Push It by Garbage.

If your life was a movie, what category would it be in? (Horror, Romance)
Dramedy.

Something you wish to accomplish before the end of the year:
Financial stability, get back in school, manage my health.

How much does it take to make you laugh?
Sometimes not much.

Which is worse: 15 pounds underweight or overweight?
Underweight.

Do you like eating ice cream out of the carton?
No. I prefer it in a bowl.

Do you find it gross to share drinks with family or friends?
Not really.

Does the world revolve around you?
Sometimes.

Is everyone equally important to the world?
In the grand scheme of things, I suppose yes.

If the world comes to an end, how do you think it will go?
I don't want to think about that.

Why are you at home right now?
Because it's 3AM.

Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
My husband assuming he was awake.

How are you feeling right now?
Depressed.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe.

Do you believe in perfect?
Not really.

Are you a jealous person?
Hell yes.

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
I really have to pee.

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
There's always room for improvement.

What has your day consisted of so far?
Not a whole hell of a lot.

When is the last time you held a baseball bat in your hand?
Not in a while.

Who has the newer car in the driveway?
Me I suppose.

What does the shirt you're wearing look like?
It's a wife-beater.

What did you wake up to this morning?
A migraine.

What is the last movie you watch that involved people dying?
Watchmen.

What was the last text you remember getting before you went to sleep?
Honey saying the show was great.

Who are the first three contacts in your phone book?
Aaron, Adam, and Adam V.

Have you ever seen the movie Pineapple Express?
Nope.

What happened yesterday?
Running errands, the show.

How long has it been since you turned 21?
Almost 5 years.

Who did you last wish happy birthday to?
Aaron.

And how old did this person turn?
27.

Are you usually a passive person?
Passive aggressive.

Do you know what the Ides of March is?
The day Julius Caesar was murdered.

Did you fall asleep before you could turn off your TV?
No.

Will you wear any clothing that's really for the opposite sex?
I do drag, what do you think?

What 2 things do you have on 99% of the time?
Glasses, earrings.

Who is the 3rd, 7th, and 16th person in your phone?
Adam, my Aunt Anita, my friend Charlie.

Would you rather give or receive a foot massage?
Receive!


Where was your last taxi ride to?
Work.

What zodiac sign are you?
Taurus.

Pop the collar or leave it turned down?
Down, always down.

If you suddenly found $250,000 dollars, what would you do with it?
Pay off my debts, bank the rest.

Who was the last person you hugged?
The hubby.

What nickname are you called most often?
Ghurl.

Have you quoted any movies recently?
Not that I can think of.

Who was the last person you remember IMing?
Marcus.

If you turned on you iPod, do you know what would start playing?
No, I have it set to shuffle.

Do you use the cap lock key or shift key to make capital letters?
Shift.

When was the last time you set foot in the ocean?
April '98 at Rocky Point.

When was the last time you yelled at someone?
Probably last week at Adam.

What is the rule about a lucky cigarette?
Recite the alphabet, and whatever one is Z, turn it upside down and smoke it last.

Do you even do that or know what it is?
Yes.

When is the last time you got a smoothie?
Months ago.

Is there any ice tea in your house?
No.

Do you pick at your nails?
Yes.

Where are you going for dinner tonight?
Nowhere, I'm cooking.

Any upcoming tattoos you have plans to get?
Not in the near future.

What have you been listening to in the past 30 minutes?
iTunes on Shuffle mode.

So after some encouraging talk from Adam and from Skylar, do I feel somewhat better about the drag situation. I can honestly take from the both of them that I am a good performer, and that with every performance I do, I get progressively better, and even seeing that in photos from what I started I can see it as well, but I don't really feel it y'know? I mean, it feels really good when your friends and people that you're close to tell you that you do a good job with something that you really enjoy doing, but when you don't really seem to hear it from your peers, it kinda in a way invalidates it in a sense.

I mean, I appreciate comments and opinions all the way around whether they're positive or negative, but I think what bugs me the most is that I truly don't feel accepted or respected by my peers. I mean, even though most of my fellow queens have character flaws and whatnot, it doesn't mean that I don't respect them on a professional level and respect what they do on stage because I do. Hell, most of the queens in this town I see as something of mentors and big sisters as it were, whether that's because the drag community here is so small and everyone knows everyone or not I don't know, but the respect is there, I just wish it were reciprocal.

I may be seriously down on myself right about now, but it doesn't mean that I'm just going to say fuck it and hang up my wigs right now. I've been doing this for over 4 years now, and I love every minute of it, the highs and the lows. It's given me a thick skin when dealing with criticism, I've progressed a great deal as far as my female illusion is concerned, and on most occasions, until I open my mouth, most people don't know that I'm really a guy when I'm in drag. To me, that is the highest compliment, it shows that I really have something of a grasp on gender illusion, and it shows that I'm accomplishing what I set out to do in the first place. Just working through my depression on the issue is a bitch and a half, I already have enough stuff dragging me down (no pun intended) as it is, I don't need drag doing the same thing.

I'll be alright though, I've come this far, and that's what I need to keep telling myself. Use Damhnait's lyrics "Make it through as long as the music plays", and lately, I've made that as something of a mantra (especially work related stuff). Just gotta keep on keepin' on.

So, lots to catch up on. Firstly, the show on the 28th of February was a lot of fun; three of my co-workers came out as well as Jen, Pam, Michael, Darlene, Keri and a friend of hers, all in support. I was really sort of pleased with "I Must Increase My Bust", and it was a good time. Shortly there after that, my seizure activity has increased; I haven't had a grand mal since the end of January, but I'm having lots of clonic seizures, and it gets me really drained and disoriented. At first I thought that my fatigue was from the sedating effects of my med increase, but I keep having these moments that feel like dissociative episodes in a sense, but more like memory gaps. I know that they're not grand mals, but let me tell you they FEEL just as bad because even though they're brief in duration, they happen alot (we're talking like 3 or 4 in a ten minute period). I also still have the weakness, and still not complete feeling in my left arm after my last grand mal (at the end of January).

So I was feeling pretty shitty on the 4th, really dizzy, hot, having nausea, the whole bit, and I had to leave early, and my supervisor threatened my job. Long story short, I am now on medical leave, in a weird holding pattern as far as my job is concerned, and probably won't be back to work until the end of April at the earliest. It sucks, but what can I do when I really don't feel safe to be working. Sure I'm bored shitless, worried how I'm going to pay my bills, but I've been through worse, and this is just another punch that I'll have to roll with as it were.

Aaron and I had a tense conversation this past Tuesday, in regards to the divide that I feel between us, and after almost an hour and a half talk, I feel that he and I are in a good place in our friendship now, and we're trying to get things back to the way they were. Skylar and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary this past Thursday, and it was really romantic. We kept it nice and simple, we had a wonderful dinner at the Macaroni Grill, and it was really nice. The dessert especially was good (three berry tiramisu) though the food didn't sit well with either of us. Yesterday was another Boys R Us show, and we had a great turn out, but I have mixed feelings about the show in and of itself.

There was some drama with our audience; some members being bounced because of their behavior and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with a "gender performance troupe" performing at a sort of goth/punk bar. Then there was some drama with one of the new members that joined the troupe not two months ago being given a solo, when members who have been there longer than I have (and I've been in for almost a year now) are discouraged from doing solos. I know that it was a filler piece, but I'm really frustrated with how rules seem to be being bent to accommodate this new member. She was allowed to perform in her, technically first show with us when that is a no-no for "probationary" members, and she was given a solo in her second show with us. It's not fair, it's bullshit, and I'm conflicted if I want to voice my frustrations about the issue even though I'm sure that most, if not all, of the troupe knows about it.

Then there was my piece for this show, a piece that revolved around Batman and Robin and their femme fatales capturing them, set to Bad Girl by Danity Kane. I know that I will always be my own worst critic, but the piece really did fail to meet my expectations. I don't feel that it was given the adequate time that was needed to truly make the piece great (even though the audience seemed to love it), creative control was constantly taken away from me when other members of the troupe would inject their opinions, and then there was the performance itself. None of the characters looked really recognizable, no one seemed (or at least in rehearsals) to even be enjoying the piece until just like, the week before the show, and my vision of the piece was just totally not what I wanted it to be. I feel really...I don't know how to put it in words. I know that the piece was a success, but it still failed to meet my (sometimes ridiculously) high standards.

I'm just frustrated with the troupe as a whole. There are maybe only 2 or 3 members that I feel that I've connected to. I try to be polite, courteous, inclusive, and I still feel like an outsider. I feel that, as the only drag queen in the troupe, that I am already an outcast, and for all intents and purposes I am. They have implied that I don't truly gender bend, but for me, doing drag period is gender bending because I'm male and I'm presenting myself on stage as a female. Hell, sometimes half of the members of the troupe don't truly gender bend, and they're chastising me for not gender bending!? What a mind fuck! I feel like I'm seen as the fat girl, a boy in a dress, and even though I work my ass off in this troupe, I feel that I am just another face in the crowd. I just hope that even though Dante was very encouraging of me backstage at the show, that things will start to improve, but right now, I'm so blinded by my frustration, that I can't see anything else right now. *sigh*

So the weekend went fairly well. Though I, unfortunately ended up working on Valentine's Day, all in all, it was a good day. We only had two patients on the unit and had one admission, and it was a fairly easy, kickback day. There was some drama between two of my friends that happened, and I'm not sure how to react about it. I mean, on one side, I want to jump in to the defense of the friend who was "wronged" in a sense, but at the same time, I want to sit down with the other party and find out what caused this person to react the way that they did. I just think that the situation is so tenuous, that if I were to get involved, the outcome wouldn't be all that great. I will say that I'm really not happy with either of them at the moment: one of them for being a bit of a drama queen, and the other for seemingly being frigid, but c'est la vie.

Skylar came and picked me up from work, and he totally took a cue from what I did last year for Valentine's Day. The apartment was decorated with tealight candles, there was a picture (that was being broadcast via the computer) on the TV of Princess Serenity surrounded by roses and flower petals. He got me a box of my favorite chocolates, a copy of Twilight (I've been meaning to pick it up since I finally finished Harry Potter), and a new huggy. Afterward, (I kinda got emotional, no one's ever done something like that for me before) we went over to his Mom's house to do a bit of laundry and we were treated to a steak dinner by Pam and OT, and I also got to meet OT's son Andre. Needless to say, I was very much intimidated, and I didn't know what to say so I was quiet for much of the evening. We called it a night, and went home and it was back to work yesterday morning.

The day at work yesterday more or less sucked; one of my patients from the previous day became extremely needy, saying she'd kill herself just for the attention of it, and was pestering her mother all day on the phone and it was one thing after another with her. She was just so freaking draining. After work, I had drag practice, and it was pretty well productive; we worked on about 4 or 5 pieces in 2 hours and we're all pretty confident about the show on the 28th. After getting some dinner, Skylar and I came home, relaxed, and soon went to bed because I was freaking exhausted. That's been pretty much it. OH!, I forgot to mention that my laptop more or less crapped the bed, so I ended up getting a new laptop this past Thursday and got a killer deal: a Compaq Presario for under $500! Fully loaded, fast, reliable, it's awesome. Valerie (my old computer, the new one has been christened Dinah) is now Skylar's and he's going to fix her up and incorporate her into his vast menagerie of tools for diagnostic purposes. Well, I'm going to enjoy my 5 days off by pretty much not doing a damned thing. Enjoy!

Well, I feel as though I'm in a rut for all intents and purposes. I just feel that, with so many things pulling me in so many directions and the prospect of so many good things happening soon, why do I feel as though I'm standing still watching all of it happening? I feel as though I'm standing outside of myself, on the sidelines, watching this happen, and seeing the shell of myself standing there, screaming at it to do something. Then there's the fear in me that things are going to progressively go downhill, most specifically with my health. Two Thursdays ago, I had a seizure just outside of the shower, and I still haven't fully recovered. I was getting soap from under the bathroom sink because we were out, and when I was going back into the shower, I slipped on the floor and collided first with the toilet (to which I still bear a bruise and a small scar), and then slammed into the bathtub before I lost consciousness and seized. When I woke up, the back of my head was sore and spongy, my left side was numb, and my speech was slurred. I was disoriented, and the first thing I did was call Adam to take me to the hospital, and then Aaron who picked me up later. Wrapping this part up, we went to UMC's ED which I left after 4 hours and went to St. Joe's where they did a head and neck CT, and told me to follow up with my neurologist. The following Monday, he upped my seizure meds by 500mg, re-ordered the MRI, and I follow up with him in March.

However, after talking with my Mom, and the nurses at work, it's still blurred whether or not I had a grand mal seizure or had a small stroke, because I still have lingering weakness and numbness on my left side. I'll hopefully know more tomorrow or next week after I have my MRI. Aside from that though, drag's bringing me down, work's bringing me down, my inadvertant isolation is bringing me down, and even when this should be joyous, the advent of three friends coming back is bringing me down. With regard to drag, we have a show coming up at the end of the month that we're still not completely prepared for, with another show less than a month later that we need to prepare for. There has been some drama, especially with the year ahead that we have in front of us, with how many people are still invested, motivated, and interested in the troupe. Aside from that, I'm tired of being treated like a china doll because of my seizure disorder. So, I'm trying to stay positive through that even though I'm getting frustrated.

Work's bringing me down because I know that with having to take days off here and there because of the seizures, and the fact that I'm already walking a thin line with regard to the attendance policy and being already on a final warning, it's only a matter of time before they try to have me fired. The only things that seem to be working in my favor is that I have an excellent professional relationship with my nurses who apparently (and I'm saying this without ego) have good things to say about me, and the fact that I'm apparently back in my immediate supervisor's good graces. I'm still debating about getting my CNA as a recourse in March, because self-preservation and my instinct to have a contingency plan are getting the better of me.


The fact that I can't drive, and have to rely on either Skylar or local transit systems' antiquated schedule in order to get around, has really got me down. I really miss the freedom that being able to drive my car afforded me, and even after not being able to drive for almost 3 months, it's still a hell of an adjustment. Last night, I went to drag practice and was thoroughly annoyed with having to call Skylar in order to get home. I hate having to rely on people once again to be my transport when I have a car and am able to drive even though legally and medically I'm strictly forbidden. I can't even ride a freaking bike to get around because of the chance that I might seize when riding it, and then getting hit by traffic, which makes sense, but all the same it's frustrating as all hell.

Now, with the three friends coming back, there are a few things about that. One of them who is coming back said that they'd never do it, and from what I can gather seems less than thrilled about said return, and though I've tried to convey joyous feelings about the return and helping to get this person re-acclimated, it seems as though my help and whatnot aren't needed and/or wanted. It irritates me, because this person was a huge help to me in the past, and though I've somewhat repaid the debt I feel that this person is owed, I never feel as though I completely will because they were there for me when no one else was, and to be more or less denied the opportunity to repay my karmic debt (and in a sense to assuage my own conscience), hurts. What hurts even more is that this person seems to be utilizing a mutual friend in our lives as the coordinator for their return, even though this person is someone who, on multiple occasions, my friend has expressed their distrust of. I mean, if I've suddenly lost favor with you (or anyone for that matter), man/woman up and freaking tell me instead of expecting me to be some sort of mind reader! Your return means the world to me and others, and even though this is probably the last place that you would want to be, it means the world to me that you're returning and can once again be a part of my life!

Then, another person who is for all intents and purposes, my shining star, will be returning to me soon. The time table isn't definite, but all the same, the anticipation is so strong it's almost tangible. I can't say how much I've longed for this person to come back to me, because since they've left, there has been a void in my life that seems as though it hasn't been truly filled. Even thinking about it right now, has got tears in my eyes, because I miss this person so much. The third, should hopefully be here by the end of April, and even though I haven't heard from this person since around Christmas, I'm hoping that everything is still in line for their return. I know that I should be happy about this, but I just feel really sad about it. I mean, I have really good friends here that I click with, but we all just seem so spread apart (and I will admit my own fault in that), but what are you supposed to do when you seem to be reaching out, but with the few exceptions here and there, your hand constantly gets slapped away? It fucking hurts, and it hurts even more when you realize that there was a strong connection and friendship there that seems to be progressively dwindling away.

That's why I'm glad that when my three (or rather two of them I suppose) return, that maybe it'll help me get out of my funk.

I want to throw my computer against a fucking wall right now, I am so over this goddamned thing right now. I had a problem with the thing in the latter part of '06 with the A/C adapter cord not charging the main battery. I got that shit replaced, but in the last month and a half, I've had problems with my USB ports not recognizing my USB devices and claiming that they're malfunctioning, yet said devices work on other computers. What's really pissing me off is that I recently backed up my important shit after the damned thing was running slower than molasses, and when I reformatted and installed some kick ass anti-everything software, it still didn't solve the problem with my USB ports, at least not all the way. Up until earlier this evening, one (yes just ONE) of my USB ports worked, and would recognize my external hard drive, and now none of them will, and I only have three ports (though the computer itself claims that I have 6). I'm now faced with a dilemma: do I keep a computer that works fine for all intents and purposes aside from the USB ports, do I venture down the path of long and tedious (not to mention potentially expensive) repair, or do I just save up to buy another piece of shit that will just become a paperweight in a year?

I'm wanting to call Mike Pollack or my friend Eric, but I'm not sure how much this will cost me, and even though I now have a bit of "buffer" income as it were, I'm still not wanting to fork over what would equate to one arm, one leg, and a portion of my non-existant first born child in order to fix this. *sigh* I have no idea what to do.

So the last 4 days have been absolutely glorious, not a care in the world. After working a 60+ hour week, having 5 days to do nothing but sit on your ass and relax is truly a wonderful thing. The only real exciting things that I did this week were go to practice last night (though it ended early and the time was spent totally unproductively), and I made Amish Friendship Bread on Wednesday night; it was wonderful, a white chocolate cranberry loaf. That's about it, I have a busy week ahead of me next week, and I have decided that come hell or high water, I am going to get my hurr did, because I can't do anything with it any more and the massive curls are getting difficult to manage. Well, although brief, that's what's going on in my small corner of the universe.

So let me start this out by saying that I have become a trend whore, and am now addicted to Facebook. I've had one for a little while, but didn't really care about it that much aside from keeping in touch with a few friends who have strayed from Myspace and whatnot, but in the say, past few days since I found out that my Rangerboard peeps are all on there and we have all since added each other, I'm on it constantly. Since I've been on this networking kick, I thought that I'd look up some old friends, specifically some from Marana. I found a few of my oldish friends, and then I found Clint and Drew, two people who, aside from Desra and Mandy, will stick out to me in particular.

Clint was my best friend in Marana from the age of 8 to roughly 14-ish. He was my confidant, best friend, partner in crime, hell we ever had aspirations of being college roommates. Things turned sour in the last year of junior high when I started hanging out with the goths more, and he started to hang out with the burgeoning popular kids. We still talked and hung out and spent the night at each others' houses, but the "link" as it were was disappearing. When I moved in with my Mom and started high school in the city, we still kept in touch, but the real end to our friendship came when I sought his help with the whole business with Sean. Fast forward about 5 1/2 years, and he and I talked a few times on AIM, but nothing really came of it other than "Hey, you're alive!".

I just really lament the fact that, if things were different, he would be my oldest friend aside from Stephanie, and would really know who I am, know my heart, and my history. I often feel sometimes that aside from my family, there really is nothing that links me to my past aside from my own, sometimes distorted memories. Sure there are somethings, if not most things that are better left forgotten, but at the same time, there were good times spent with friends, and I sometimes feel that other than my memories, there's nothing really tangible to say that I was even there. No marks, nothing that is left behind at all; as if I was just a passing thought.

Then there's Drew, where to start with Drew. Drew was, for all intents and purposes, my first real crush, and damn if he wasn't fine as hell. Very dapper, well dressed, popular, but really had no inclination of what he wanted romantically. He and I talked somewhat in the classes he and I had (particularly Civics), and I'd help him out with assignments and whatnot, but we weren't ever really "friends", just more like strong acquaintances if anything. I remember that I would stare at him in Civics, and just daydream, and that's the first sign that I knew I liked guys. I think that he knew, because he caught me sometimes staring at him, and coming out of daydreams. I know that he's straight now, and I think that had he and I continued to stay friends, we'd be cool even with me being who I am today, but I just wonder what could've been y'know?

I wish that things hadn't gone down the way they did, and that I didn't have to literally turn my back on everything that I knew and the life that I had built. In retrospect, the loss of those friendships and others aside, I don't regret where life has taken me. I wouldn't have met the people that are in my life right now, I wouldn't have had some of the experiences that I've had that have taken me to where I am now, I wouldn't be the person that I am now, and I know that that all goes without saying. I just sometimes get lonely though, because I feel like sometimes, even the Scoobs don't really get me, and that the only person who comes close other than Skylar for obvious reasons, is Bess, and she's not only on the other side of the country at the moment, but I haven't seen her in over 5 years. I don't know, maybe I'm just longing for a friend to talk about the good times with, to reflect with, and I don't have that right now, and it's a very lonely feeling.

So I just got off of a 62 1/2 hour work week, and damn am I tired. I am so over the unit at work right now, and am so thankful for my 2 days off before I go back for 2 more. All in all, it was a good week, horribly drama filled and profitable, but nonetheless drama filled. Two of my nurses were written up for shirking one of their somewhat major responsibilities, and one of them has gone on the offensive, noting other people's mishaps to make herself look better in the eyes of the big boss, and she's pissing everyone the fuck off. She went off on this rant because we had this patient who wasn't medically appropriate at all for the unit, he was in renal & liver failure and in congestive heart failure and had C Diff to boot, and was incontinent of bladder and stool and would constantly shit himself. He was unwilling to get his crotchety self in the shower, so we were constantly bedbathing him, changing his linens, and cleaning shit off of him.

So this nurse, Brandon (yeah I know, she has a boy's name), goes off on Tuesday morning, saying how we all deserve a hit for being negligent with his care, and we all basically just ignore her. So the next morning, after talking about it with my nurse Maggie and deciding that she's trying to make herself look good (since she was a ICU nurse and knows and has seen everything -_-;), Julissa, Maggie, and I all talked to Georgette and basically told her that Brandon was full of shit, and I think Georgette got the message. She's even targeting our Activities Specialist, by saying that she's not doing her job properly. Suzanne, the aforementioned activities specialist, is recovering from a freaking stroke! Grated it happened over 2 months ago, but still, stroke recovery takes a long while, and seriously, how fucked up is that to target someone with somewhat of a disability? She's got some memory problems, it's improved her attitude, but all in all, Suzanne hasn't changed that much, but it's still fucked up. I work with the bitch this weekend, and let me tell you, I'm not only going to stay out of her way as to not give her any ammunition, but I'm also going to be watching her like a hawk. Aside from that, the other work drama was that one of the other techs might get fired, thus bumping me up officially to full time status.

We had some pain in the ass patients, some of which my nurses and I had to resist all urge to bitchslap at times, but thankfully they're all gone. I don't know, sleep depravity causes a great deal of apathy, so I'm pretty much there. That's about it.

I wish there was a real reason as to why I haven't updated this thing in close to six and a half months, but other than sheer apathy, and lack of anything really update worthy, that's about it. However, given that it's a new year, it's time for a new soul, and a way to quickly wrap-up the last year/last 6 months.


1. My LiveJournal
Has for the most part been non-existant. It's just that, I feel like my life doesn't really have anything worth updating on as of late, and I really don't have that drive to constantly update that I once did like, back in '03. Not to say that I feel as though I've become a boring old queen or something to that effect ^_~*.

2. My Friends
Well, given my schedule, health, inability to drive, lack of fundage at times, and my becoming more and more of a homebody, outings with friends have become few and far between. That, and the fact that all of The Scoobs seem to be doing our own things (Aaron making the "Outers" a more prominent presence in his life, Gloria being inundated with dating Blair and doing the BDSM thing, Adam and Matt doing their own things, Ruben still in Phoenix, and Dorian being until recently out of the country), we rarely have time for each other nowadays, and it seems lately that we only really see each other with special appointment. That, and behaviors and things have been said all the way around that have, at times, seemed to strain our friendships with each other. I hope that 2009 sees a "mending of fences" as it were, because I really do miss my friends, and I miss the presence that they have/had in my life.

3. My Memories
Since the debacle that was '06, I feel that the last 2-3 years have been about me, more or less rebuilding my life and in a sense taking my destiny into my own hands. I've become much more proactive about my career path and what I want to do with the rest of my life by making calculated career moves. It may seem at times that I'm moving at a snail's pace, but I'm doing what I need to do. I've also seen myself become open to a healthy, loving, monogamous relationship, and I have every confidence (especially as of late) that I am going to spend the rest of my life with this man that I've had the pleasure of being in love with for just shy of two years. Since the odd numbered years seem to be years that are better for me, and 9 being one of my lucky numbers, I have a lot of confidence in 2009 being a good year for me.

4. My Family
Not a whole lot has changed as far as that's concerned. I feel that the trip to Le Miss, that things have become a lot less intense and there is much more understanding as far as the family and I are concerned. I think that it mainly stems from the fact that they no longer see me as a child, and that I finally came out to them as a whole. Other than that, same old same old with them. I do feel that, especially in the last year, my extended family (as in my soon to be in-laws) and I have become somewhat closer. I'm thankful everyday for Pam, because I know that it couldn't have been easy for her to not only accept that her only son is gay, but to accept what comes with it (namely me). Sure at times I've felt extremely uncomfortable, but Pam, and I think Marisa as well (not sure about O.T, still can't read him) have accepted me and taken a liking to me, and the feeling is mutual.


5. My Personal Matters
Well, as I've said, the friends and Skylar issues are going well. The only other thing being my health, and the seizure meds are really helping.


6. My Job
So far so good, even though I constantly feel as though I'm under a microscope and have to walk around on eggshells. I'm glad that I have good "friends" in my nurses for the most part.


7. My Acedmeic Career
Once I have my PCT certificate in my hand, I'll know more.

8. My Reasons
One word: Catharsis.

Glomped from icyred

THE PALIN MEME.

BACK STORY:
Sarah Palin married her high school boyfriend, Todd Palin, on August 29, 1988. The Palin family lives in Wasilla, about 45 miles (72 km) north of Anchorage. The Palins have two sons (Track, 19, and Trig, four months) and three daughters (Bristol, 17; Willow, 14; and Piper, 7) [ages as of August 2008]. Todd Palin has said Track's name came from the interest Sarah's parents had in the sport and the fact that he was born in the sport's season; Bristol was named after Bristol Bay in Alaska, where Todd grew up and where he does commercial fishing; Willow was named after Willow, Alaska; Piper got her name because it is uncommon and "a cool name"; Trig's name is Norse for "strength".

1) Your first-born will be named after your parents favorite sport:

Figure (as in figure skating).


2) Your second-born will be named after a nearby area that you're not from but you like the sound of part of the name, and maybe you have nostalgic memories of said place:

Sedona


3) Your third-born will be named after another nearby place, for no reason other than you already have two children and don't have time to put much thought into another name:

Sierra (as in Sierra Vista)


4) Your fourth gets a "cool" name:

Sage

5) Your fifth gets something mythological, possibly straight out of Lord of the Rings:

Minerva.

So this is a fanfic of a fanfic that I am writing. This all started on Rangerboard, and this is a sequel to Tristan's awesome work.

***************************************************************************************************


A fanfic of a fanfic. The continuing saga.

Power Rangers: Starlight Tempest
Written by Pinkpower


One
“No Sleep Tonight”

The room is dim, the faint candlelight dancing off the wall is the only thing to breach the darkness. Surrounded by countless books, a hooded figure sits for hours on end, transcribing book, after book, in complete silence.

“I‘ve brought you some dinner Brother.” says a priest, entering the room with a tray of food and drink. “We missed you at supper”.

The room remains quiet.

“I realize that you have only been with us for a short time Brother John, but you shouldn‘t isolate yourself.” said the priest, the name causing the hooded figure to stir.

“Since you do not speak, we did not know your name, but it appears that that name bothers you. We took you in here, and with your gift of transcribing our ancient texts, we gave you the name John after the patron saint of mystics. You have been a blessing to us Brother John, in aiding us in this endeavor. I‘ve never known anyone who could translate ancient Babylonian or ancient Sumerian.” The priest said, placing the tray of food near the hooded figure.

“You carry much pain, and guilt with you. I pray that God‘s mercy will help alleviate you of your burden.” The priest said, walking out of the room.

“He‘s right you know, you do carry too much guilt.”

His head snapped around. “Who‘s there!?” The room was empty, though he could have sworn he heard a voice coming from the door.

“When are you ever going to forgive yourself for what happened? My death wasn‘t your fault.”

“Shut up, you‘re not real.” the hooded figure muttered.

“I wish that you wouldn‘t keep torturing yourself like this…” the voice said, disappearing.

The hooded figure arose, tears welling in his eyes. In his self-induced solitude, he longer for that voice, as it’s presence occurred quite frequently, though he wasn’t sure if he was going mad or not. It had been so long since he had even seen the sun; keeping his head burried in the books, keeping to his act of service for the kindness the priests had shown him, was causing him distortion in his sensory perception.

“What happened to you IS my fault…” he muttered, carrying the tray of food with him. He continued toward the door until he saw something brush past his feet, blowing in the small breeze through the vents; it looked like leaves. When he reached the door, he dropped his tray in shock and fell to his knees.

“No…it‘s not real…” he said. “It‘s not real!”

He sat on the floor, tears running down his face, shaking, as he held the black rose.


~*~

“Thank you for coming out this evening. Without the support of all of you, this would never have been possible. And with that, we‘d like to bring our mistress of affairs here this evening, give it up for the one and only Miss Pinkerbell!” the announcer said. Cheers flooded the stadium, as a woman, donned in pink from head to toe, took the stage.

“Thank you so much. As you know, there is still a lot of work to be done, as the rebuilding projects continue. Just months ago, all hope seemed lost, until salvation seemed to come from out of nowhere, and hope was restored. It‘s with that hope, that we continue to raise money for this continuing effort. With the support of the tri-city coalition, our neighboring communities of Angel Grove and Stone Canyon, we know that this benefit will help to rebuild all that we‘ve lost. We would like to thank our corporate sponsors as well, especially Lightspeed Rescue, which has donated countless man hours to the rebuilding projects, but also provided urgent life saving services in the wake of the comet. We ask for your continued support, of not only money donations, but also your time, so be sure that you not only open your wallets, but your hearts as well. Remember to please see the silent auction. Alright, now for some entertainment. Get ready folks, she‘s on tour and be sure to pick up a copy of her new CD in stores now, give it up for the one and only, Kira Ford!” Pinkerbell said, to shouts coming from all directions.

Rushing off-stage to see the musical performance, she was greeted by Mack, Maf, Bradlee, Acatl, Presh, and Phillip.

“Not bad Pinky, not bad at all.” Mack said, smiling.

“Yeah, who knew an old queen could get this many people together.” Maf said, grinning, Pinky gave a smirk.

“How does all that hair not hurt you? The hairspray alone in that thing must weigh a ton!” Phillip asked, noting Pinky’s massive wig.

“Well, you know what they say, the bigger the hair, the closer to Jesus.” Pinky said, as people behind him spit out their drinks at that comment. “Well boys, I have to change for the next set. Enjoy the show, it is a party after all!”

“Who really thought that he could help pull this off?” Bradlee asked.

“Oh ye of little faith.” Acatl responded. “We‘ve all had to do our part since everything happened. Pinky uses his skills, we‘ve used ours.”

“It would be nice if everyone was here though, like the good old days.” Bradlee said.

“Nearly getting killed on a daily basis was the good old days?” Presh asked.

“If we weren‘t nearly getting killed every day, we would have never been a team. We would have never saved the world.” Bradlee answered.

“Could you keep that down? I don’t think the people at the end of the stadium heard you.” Presh said, rolling his eyes.

“It would be nice if we could do more though.” Mack said.

“Why? I mean, don‘t get me wrong, playing superhero was loads of fun and all, but we really do deserve a break.” Maf said. “The newbies can handle it.”

“The Proto Stars are a bit of a blessing.” Acatl said, referring to the four new rangers. “But are we sure they can handle things?”

“Even if they couldn‘t, I mean you know we-” Phillip was saying.

“I know, I know, but this was never their burden to carry.” Acatl said.

“They‘re rangers, it is their ’burden’ as you called it.” Presh said.

“Well, let‘s just enjoy the party, okay. Talking about the days of yore isn‘t going to bring them back.” Bradlee said, turning his attention to the concert at hand, the others following suit.

~*~

Backstage in the dressing room, Pinky was rushing to change in time for the next set. The rush of the stage crew beyond was fueling the showtime mentality and adrenaline flowing through him; it was like a drug for him doing this.

“4 minutes Miss Pinkerbell!” a stage hand knocked on the door.

“Thanks! 4 minutes to save the world…what am I gonna wear with this?” Pinky asked himself, looking into the vanity mirror trying accessorize the right jewelry with the outfit he was wearing. Another knock came to the door.

“I‘ll be right there!” Pinky yelled back. “Ah screw it, I’ll wear these.”

Walking to the dressing room door to the backstage area, Pinky was thrown back by a wave of force as he grabbed the doorknob.

“You, who was once tied to the Void, you will help us regain our strength!” a voice growled.

Pinky had hit his head hard on the wall, could barely make out the image of the shadowy figure who had entered the room. “What, what do you want!?”

“Your soul.” the voice answered. It extended it’s right hand, and crimson lightning shot out, lifting Pinky and pressing him into the wall. In the creature’s left hand, and golden dagger with a jagged blade materialized, and with every step closer to Pinky, Pinky could smell the carpet singeing. Pinky tried to fight his bonds, but the creature came to him, and slashed his arm. Pinky cried out in pain as the blood flowed out of him, the room disappearing in a haze.

From out of nowhere, a burst of light irradiated the room, and Pinky fell limp to the floor. He could barely make out a blurred figure, radiating light, as it choked the shadowed figure. In another blaze of light, the two beings vanished, and the smell of the burnt carpet flooded Pinky’s nostrils as he blacked out.

~*~

Back out in the stadium, Phillip and Acatl grabbed their heads in seering pain.

“What is it!?” Bradlee and Presh asked in unison.

“I‘m not sure…” Phillip said through gritted teeth. Bradlee tried to help Acatl to his feet, but it appeared he was having a seizure. He stood to his feet, gasped, and the color of his eyes went completely white. After a brief moment, he collapsed into Bradlee’s arms.

“Pinky…dressing room…go!” Acatl said. Presh, Mack, and Maf ran backstage, nearly bulldozing several stagehands in the process. When they arrived at Pinky’s dressing room, the outer handle was melted, and the room was scorched. In the corner, Pinky lay in a head of pink robes and matching pink feathers; his wig was singed.

“What the hell happened here?” Maf asked, taken aback. Presh and Mack helped Pinky to his feet, but he was still unconscious.

“Go get help, we‘ll stay with him.” Mack said, and Maf ran out of the room.

“What do you think happened?” Mack asked Presh.

“Not sure, but whatever it was, I don‘t have a good feeling.” Presh said, looking across the room and the scorch marks of dragged feet, with golden feathers littered near it.

~*~
The place where all the destruction had occurred had become a sort of memorial, dedicated to those who lost their lives in the wake of the comet. A park had been erected around it, to show that even in the midst of the chaos that ensued, it wouldn’t change the resolve of the people of Fair Welle City to persevere. A chunk of the comet’s crystalline exostructure was embedded into the ground, surrounded by a bronze ring, engraved with the names of those that had lost their lives in the attack.

Children played in the newly built playground just off of the memorial, their laughter echoing. Suddenly, from beneath the crystalline slab, a bright green glow emanated, and a torrent of black, tar-like substance flowed out from it. It pooled just above the crystal slab, and began to coalesce, making the figure of a man. The wind kicked up, the children continued to play, as the full form of the man was realized. He gasped, looked around, and was unable to recognize any of his surroundings.

He walked towards the city, fueled by instinct, carrying a large black sword in his hand.






To be continued…

So roughly, the last two months have flown by as yet another stressful, surreal blur. A lot of time was spent working, more of it was spent worrying needlessly about things, but I walked away from it in seemingly one piece. From about the end of June to the middle of July, agency work was consistent and plentiful, but when I began training at UMC, it pretty much tapered off. I spent a lot of the time working at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility that ironically enough housed a great deal of my former clients from Compass, so I was basically paid to hang out with "friends" more or less, because I feel that I've always had an excellent rapport with any and all of my clients/patients anywhere that I've worked.

The PCT training was, and for the most part still is a huge stressor in my life right now. The actual class part of the orientation where the lectures happened was informative, the OJT more of an education than anything, but the real headache has been the (in my opinion) ridiculous ammount of stringency to protocol and no where to negotiate anything. Mind you, I don't want to smash to smithereens a well oiled machine for all intents and purposes, but here me out. I took 2 days of vacation at the beginning of August to go out to Mississippi to see family and be a part of the wedding party for my Aunt's 35th wedding anniversary (something that the powers that be were well informed of before I signed any pre-employment paperwork) and yet they somehow managed to count those 2 days against me as unexcused absences. Also count in that I have suddenly been very sick recently, so much so that I've been having seizures now and have had to leave 1 1/2 days out of class due to these. So at the beginning of the month, my clinical leader gave me a stern talking to and threatened to fire me because I missed 3 1/2 out of my allowed 3 days during this probationary period. So after having a brief bit of insight, I decided that I'd stick it out there, at least until I get my phlebotomy certification in 2 1/2 weeks and then look for opportunities elsewhere.

Aside from that whole thing, I feel really cheated by entering this program to begin with. I mean, I told the powers that be from day one that I wanted to work a medical unit due to the fact that I will be pursuing nursing school and will begin working on my pre-requisites in either October or Jnauary (Gods willing), but due to my previous psych experience, they placed me in the bastard step-child unit of the hospital that is for all intents and purposes it's own little self-contained universe where many of the "rules" and "protocol" of the hospital proper seem to not apply. I was told in my initial interview that I'd be floated to Med/Surg and to the Emergency Department, and until I pitched a fit about it 2 weeks ago, they managed to get me a brief orientation to one of the Med/Surg units. I feel lied to; they told me whatever they could, made promises and everything to get me to take the position that nobody seems to want because the unit can't keep PCT's to save their life.

I think that part of it has to do with the sheer nature of the unit itself (though, compared to other places I've worked, it's a cake job. The only real "challenge" is not dying of boredom after pretty much sitting on your ass for 12 hours) and the fact that the unit manager has a Napoleon complex. But the whole thing got me thinking about how some people can and will be some of the most two-faced, lying, conniving bastards that you will ever meet. Gods know I've had my share of people like that in my life, most specifically within the last 3 years (certain individuals stick out more than others) and you'd think that dealing with those assholes people would've given me some sort of spider sense or other means of clairvoyance as it were to when I'm potentially going to get screwed over, but alas it's to no avail. People will lie, cheat, backstab and screw you even when they have the most sincere look otherwise as they stare you dead in the face. The perpetual wolves in sheep's clothing. Fuck em all I say, they'll get theirs soon enough, even if it's in small doses.

I'm trying to make a more concerted effort to just be not necessarily kind to people, but to just have this sort of civil ambivalence for lack of a better term. It's not to say that I just don't care anymore, because in a way it is, but I don't think that I'm going to put forth the effort to be Mary Fucking Sunshine anymore because it's too exhausting frankly. I have enough shit going on in my head and my life right now to suddenly sweep it all under the rug and try to maintain appearances. I figure if people can't handle that, it's their loss. Sure, it may sting, but I'm not going to go out of my way to be the biggest cunt in the world in sheer retaliation. Not giving a fuck works just as well for me.

Oh well, c'est la vie. I meant to talk about the trip to Mississippi and whatnot, but it seems that in my ranting, time has escaped me and I'm really tired.

Syphoned from raine_insane

1. My username is _____ because ____.
My username is rbcolorkid as a reference to Rainbow Brite and the Color Kids.

2. My journal is titled ____ because ____.
My journal is titled Shooting Star as a reference to the song Shooting Star from the show Instant Star.

3. My subtitle is ____ because ____.
My subtitle is Unpredictable, Yet Beautiful, again as an homage to Instant Star. Specifically to the character Patsy Sewer, who in the show sang Shooting Star, and was a bit impulsive and unpredictable, and that's something that I could idenify with.

4. My friends page is called ____ because ____.
My friends page is called Shooting Star, because of the above reasons.

5. My default userpic is ____ because ____.
My default userpic is Rainbow Brite and the Color Kids because of my lj username.