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Shooting Star 36: In A Moment I'll Feel Beautiful

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Mar. 21st, 2009 | 12:41 pm
location: "Home"
mood: frustrated frustrated
music: Shirley Manson - In The Snow

So, lots to catch up on. Firstly, the show on the 28th of February was a lot of fun; three of my co-workers came out as well as Jen, Pam, Michael, Darlene, Keri and a friend of hers, all in support. I was really sort of pleased with "I Must Increase My Bust", and it was a good time. Shortly there after that, my seizure activity has increased; I haven't had a grand mal since the end of January, but I'm having lots of clonic seizures, and it gets me really drained and disoriented. At first I thought that my fatigue was from the sedating effects of my med increase, but I keep having these moments that feel like dissociative episodes in a sense, but more like memory gaps. I know that they're not grand mals, but let me tell you they FEEL just as bad because even though they're brief in duration, they happen alot (we're talking like 3 or 4 in a ten minute period). I also still have the weakness, and still not complete feeling in my left arm after my last grand mal (at the end of January).

So I was feeling pretty shitty on the 4th, really dizzy, hot, having nausea, the whole bit, and I had to leave early, and my supervisor threatened my job. Long story short, I am now on medical leave, in a weird holding pattern as far as my job is concerned, and probably won't be back to work until the end of April at the earliest. It sucks, but what can I do when I really don't feel safe to be working. Sure I'm bored shitless, worried how I'm going to pay my bills, but I've been through worse, and this is just another punch that I'll have to roll with as it were.

Aaron and I had a tense conversation this past Tuesday, in regards to the divide that I feel between us, and after almost an hour and a half talk, I feel that he and I are in a good place in our friendship now, and we're trying to get things back to the way they were. Skylar and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary this past Thursday, and it was really romantic. We kept it nice and simple, we had a wonderful dinner at the Macaroni Grill, and it was really nice. The dessert especially was good (three berry tiramisu) though the food didn't sit well with either of us. Yesterday was another Boys R Us show, and we had a great turn out, but I have mixed feelings about the show in and of itself.

There was some drama with our audience; some members being bounced because of their behavior and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with a "gender performance troupe" performing at a sort of goth/punk bar. Then there was some drama with one of the new members that joined the troupe not two months ago being given a solo, when members who have been there longer than I have (and I've been in for almost a year now) are discouraged from doing solos. I know that it was a filler piece, but I'm really frustrated with how rules seem to be being bent to accommodate this new member. She was allowed to perform in her, technically first show with us when that is a no-no for "probationary" members, and she was given a solo in her second show with us. It's not fair, it's bullshit, and I'm conflicted if I want to voice my frustrations about the issue even though I'm sure that most, if not all, of the troupe knows about it.

Then there was my piece for this show, a piece that revolved around Batman and Robin and their femme fatales capturing them, set to Bad Girl by Danity Kane. I know that I will always be my own worst critic, but the piece really did fail to meet my expectations. I don't feel that it was given the adequate time that was needed to truly make the piece great (even though the audience seemed to love it), creative control was constantly taken away from me when other members of the troupe would inject their opinions, and then there was the performance itself. None of the characters looked really recognizable, no one seemed (or at least in rehearsals) to even be enjoying the piece until just like, the week before the show, and my vision of the piece was just totally not what I wanted it to be. I feel really...I don't know how to put it in words. I know that the piece was a success, but it still failed to meet my (sometimes ridiculously) high standards.

I'm just frustrated with the troupe as a whole. There are maybe only 2 or 3 members that I feel that I've connected to. I try to be polite, courteous, inclusive, and I still feel like an outsider. I feel that, as the only drag queen in the troupe, that I am already an outcast, and for all intents and purposes I am. They have implied that I don't truly gender bend, but for me, doing drag period is gender bending because I'm male and I'm presenting myself on stage as a female. Hell, sometimes half of the members of the troupe don't truly gender bend, and they're chastising me for not gender bending!? What a mind fuck! I feel like I'm seen as the fat girl, a boy in a dress, and even though I work my ass off in this troupe, I feel that I am just another face in the crowd. I just hope that even though Dante was very encouraging of me backstage at the show, that things will start to improve, but right now, I'm so blinded by my frustration, that I can't see anything else right now. *sigh*

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Comments {1}

The one who is torn apart

From: in_this_moment
Date: Mar. 21st, 2009 09:42 pm (UTC)
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*HUGS*

I'm sorry, gurl. I'm sure it was a fabulous show. We can talk more about it if you like tomorrow at your party. :)

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