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Shooting Star 38: When You Go All I Know Is You're My Favorite Mistake.

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Mar. 28th, 2009 | 11:59 pm
location: "Home"
mood: determined determined
music: Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake

So in the last week or so, my Uncle Bingham and I have been exchanging e-mails and it's been interesting to say the least, but I'll get back to that later. The past weekend ended on the same note as the week began, blah. I had the Scoobs over, all of them (sans of course Ruben); Dorian, Adam, Aaron Gloria, and Fox Xander. We hung out, ate pizza, played Apples to Apples, went to the hot tub, and then came back but everyone soon left afterward. It was a good time, Fox Xander kinda annoyed me by being his usual, grandstanding look-at-me self, and in typical fashion jipped the collective fund for food and had Dorian cover his cost. It's good to know though that in nearly ten years of knowing him, that he's never once changed in those regards and is at least consistent. I felt uncomfortable with all of the people over (more like claustrophobia as opposed to social anxiety, though there certainly was some of that), and also I feel that Xander and Dorian are people that I don't know anymore. Sure, I haven't exactly made the effort to socialize with them since they returned, but I was hoping that once we got everyone together again, that things would just automatically sync back to how they once were, and all past character archetypes would re-assume themselves, but I was wrong.

I don't know though. Tuesday was the drag potluck, and that went better than I thought it would; I was expecting drama over Amber's solo, but we ate, drank, made merry and watched the tape of the last show, and all was well. We even went over some ideas for the upcoming shows, and all in all it was a good time. Thursday was practice, and that was slightly more drama filled. Once again Amber is being (at least in my opinion) as something of a precious jewel within the group that needs to be shown off as often as possible, and it's unnerving to no end. That and when there was a bit of downtime, I noticed just how shut out of the group I am. No one talked to me outside of working on numbers, I sat away from everyone while everyone cliqued up with each other, and it made me uncomfortable. I hope that it will get better in time, but for the time being, every single time I'm with the troupe, I feel uncomfortable and feel like an outcast.

Anyway, onto the e-mail correspondence with my Uncle. I really don't know what else to say other than, it's been a wake up call. I've realized just how diabolical my father is, saying years ago that if I were to ever "become gay" that he would "put me down like a dog". So loving. He also told my Uncle that if he had known that he and my Uncle Forrest were gay, that he would have given his queer bashing friends their addresses. What kind of human being does that? Then I realized that my Nana, who I've known for years to be a duplicitous bitch, to be truly the the tree that has spawned such bad seeds. She doesn't care what message her alliance with my father sends to anyone within the family, especially to me and Michael, she's content to essentially play the part of a Jew befriending a hostile Nazi. Makes me so proud to be a Holley/Lowe.

I've come out to my Uncle, and he is supportive and eager to meet Skylar, and through him I've learned that my Nana is currently in the hospital after falling and shattering her leg. I had several dreams last night that I went to the hospital to see her, and part of me thinks that I should. The other part of me is so blinded by my contempt for her and the many ways she has betrayed me in recent years to care about her declining health. I commend Bingham for being the bigger person and going to see her after more than 7 years of estrangement, but I can't bring myself to do it. I resigned myself years ago to the thought that after things went down the way that they did, that the next time I would see her or my father would be at my Nana's funeral, and I know that I'll probably be hard-headed sticking to that conviction.

I really don't want them to be part of my life. How would I benefit? What would I learn other than how to hurt and betray people, look them in the eyes as they don't even know I'm doing it, and not have any guilt, remorse, or anything and do it all with a smile on my face? I know that my father's side of the family seems to have a legacy for hate, grudges and destruction, and at times I've given into that side of my genetic imprinting or rather emotional conditioning, but I don't want to do that or be that person. I don't want to "embrace my destiny" as it were and become such an ugly person as most people are on that side of the family, that's probably the biggest reason aside from them being some of the biggest conniving assholes and officious cunts in the world, that I've stayed away from them. I don't want to be like that!

Talking with my Uncle has made one thing very clear to me, I didn't make the wrong decision staying away and keeping them all at arms length. They're all like viruses, hell even Bingham admits to that, and he and my Aunt Alix (I guess she's going by a new name now -_-;) made the smartest decision to isolate themselves from the rest of them. Even though I've never seen that side of my family as nothing more than something that I don't want to know and often at times the bane of my existance, their example is something that I can learn from. I can stop the cycle of hate by just not giving a damn! I can certainly be bitter and resentful toward them, from a distance, but it's not something that I have to bring to the table when I see them, because I intend to stay in my self-induced exile for as long as necessary. I won't allow their darkness to infect me. I enjoy my light, and I intend to keep it intact. I've seen, and had too much darkness in my life to allow it to sully me now, and I'm not going to allow that to happen. As cliche as it sounds, I'm gonna let this little light of mine shine. I'm gonna let it shine. I have to believe in the positives and hope that things will get better, especially when things keep piling up on top of me.

Oh, yeah, on Friday I applied for government assistance and Social Security because it looks like I won't be going back to work until May at the earliest. I'm going to see if doctor Vig will at least approve extremely light duty, because I need money. *sigh*

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