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Shooting Star 39: Where Do You Go When You're Lonely? I'll Follow You When The Stars Go Blue.

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Jun. 9th, 2009 | 12:30 am
location: "Home"
mood: irritated irritated
music: Tyler Hilton & Bethany Joy Galeotti - When The Stars Go Blue

So for the last six to eight weeks, I've pretty much been in the constant state of feeling like I'm on tenderhooks. There's been a lot of uncertainty, a lot of confusion, a great deal of fear, and very little hope. I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but at this point in the game, I believe that said light is coming from an oncoming train. I know that that's a very jaded statement of me to make, but nothing is going right! Just when I think that I have a foothold on anything, the ground seems to slip out from underneath me, and I feel like I've landed on my ass yet again. I'll get more to that, but for now, let me summarize the last two months.

Skylar and I went up to Phoenix for Pride, and that was...interesting. Boys R Us performed, and it was a mixed crowd, there was some drama backstage, and at this point (or last I bothered to check), most of us feel like we don't want to perform back there again. We were rushed moreso than usual, 15 minutes of our set was cut to accomodate someone else, and all in all, for the most part it wasn't a pleasant experience. Sky's and my allergies were kicking in something fierce, and I honestly thought that due to a problem with my contacts, that I had contracted pink eye, but thankfully it was just allergies. We met up with Uncle Bing and Carlo at the Cheesecake Factory at Biltmore Mall, and we had a really good time, albeit we sat there for the better part of 3 hours and my ass hurt really bad, and from there we went to Uncle Bing and Carlo's townhouse. Even though it was a bit small, it was cozy, and as I was looking things over and getting a tour, waves of memories washed over me, as well as something of a very secure feeling. It was one of the most comfortable, and safest moments with my father's side of the family that I can remember in a very long time, if ever.

Sky and I left with the loose promise that we would be back up again when time and finances allowed. Uncle Bing and I still keep in touch via e-mail, and I think that I'm in a very good place as far as that's concerned. Next major event that I can think of was Boys R Us's show at Victory bar in early May, and that was a topsy turvy show that I don't even want to get into right here and now. Shortly after that, with the news from my neurologist that he would not only not clear me to drive, he wants me admitted to the hospital (which will happen at the end of this month) for video diagnostic testing and another MRI. I ended up loosing a good job opportunity because of that, and I was also fired from UMC in the process! While the UMC issue will hopefully be addressed at the end of this month with the help of the county attorney's office, at present time, I'm pretty much stuck for the time being. I did have a potential temp-to-hire position at an oncology clinic that I was really enjoying before the plug was pulled on that, and to this day I have no idea why. Part of me thinks that it's because I had a seizure at work, and they didn't want that liability, but they told my agency that they didn't need me for the time being, and that the prospect of temp-to-hire would be re-addressed at a later time.

I was told by one of the other Medical Assistants there that it was because of a hiring freeze, but this company has had an ad on Careerbuilder.com since before I started there, and it's still on there as I type this out. I'm pissed about that, because it was a good position, I could have learned a lot, I had excellent patient interaction, and best of all my co-workers all seemed to like me! It was perfect, I had all my ducks in a row, the only problem was that the powers that be at the clinic couldn't make up their minds about what to do with me, especially from a scheduling standpoint. I've tried calling them myself, I've tried having my agency follow up on it, but nothing's happened. So my recourse, waiting for Social Security to pan out (which, at last estimate, I won't hear anything about from between the beginning of July to the end of October) and applying for unemployment (which due to errors in their system, I have to go through something called judification, which when the process is all said and done, could take 6 to 8 weeks from what they told me today). So basically for the time being, I'm pretty much destitute. Thank Gods that Skylar is able to support the household, otherwise we'd be homeless.

Since this has happened, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't sit and just bawl my eyes out. I've had bad luck/bad situations happen to me before, but it's never been this bad before. I've been job hunting, but everything in my field requires me to be able to drive, and even though I am currently driving, when a potential employer learns that I'm epileptic (because I'm going to be upfront about that, in case I have a seizure at work) it's pretty much a red flag, and with my neurologist refusing to sign a waiver or whatever, I'm still at square one. I've been calling everyday between Social Security, DES, and unemployment to see what my options are and try to get some assistance, and I get the same message everytime I call "You'll have to wait it out and see what happens". What they don't understand is, if it weren't for Skylar, I'd be on the fucking street, probably without medication, and as a result, I'd probably be brain damaged because without medication, I have grand mal seizures! It's not to say that I don't have seizures even with my medications, but they aren't grand mals, and they're somewhat managable even though clonic seizures wipe me out almost the same way as grand mals.

It sucks when the system you've tried NOT to use and made a concerted effort to not use because you didn't want people to look down on you for being another statistic isn't able to help you when you really need it. What the hell are aid agencies for when they aren't going to or aren't able to provide you aid and they simply tell you to "Wait it out" and treat you like a statistic and don't even make eye contact with you half of the time? I've been "waiting it out" of almost three months, waiting for something to happen, and nothing's fucking happening! If I could safely work, where I wouldn't possibly endanger people, I would! I would get my ass up everyday, and bust my butt because even though I may bitch, whine and complain about my job, I take great pride in the fact that I'm out there doing something that not only contributes to society as a whole, but it also contributes to the greater good and the grand scope of things. Healthcare isn't an easy profession, but after 6 years, IT'S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO! Stepping outside of the box, would for the most part take career training, and who's going to "take a chance" on someone who's a safety risk potential or otherwise because of a disability? It would be nice to gloss over that, but it's not likely. So in the meantime, I job hunt, inquire of my case status with unemployment and SSDI, and "wait it out".

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