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Shooting Star 43: Welcome To My Trainwreck Baby, I Guess We're Getting Out Of Control.

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Aug. 24th, 2009 | 11:57 am
location: Home
mood: drained drained
music: Cassie Steele - Crash My Party

Wow, over 2 months without an update? I really need to learn to be more disciplined with this thing. So, updating since my last post, I did end up having lunch with my 2 aunts, my Uncles Bingham and Carlo, Carlo's sister Olga and her husband and grandchild, Bingham's friend Patty, and of course Skylar. We ended up having dim sum, which was especially yummy given that it had been about 3 years since I've had it, but all the while it was awkward. I'm sure it had more to do with the aspect of time given since I had seen my aunt's, but it really felt in a way that there was 1 or several elephants in the room; don't ask me what they were, it just made me a bit uncomfortable, especially when my Aunt Chris (the one I don't trust as far as I can throw her) was acting all maternal but I suppose "nearly facing your own death" can change you, and giving her the benefit of the doubt, she did seem to be much more grounded than I remember her ever being. So yeah, we had a really good and really expensive (Bingham treated all 9 of us, imagine how much that cost when I remember it being at least $20 per person, and Bingham ordered somethings off of the regular menu) lunch, went to Bookman's for a while, and then retreated to my Aunt's house for a brief bit.

Talk about memories, I a small chunk of my early childhood there, whether it was my Aunt watching my brother and I, spending the night, or birthday parties. Nothing really changed there except for the backyard, but it still has the same "feel" to it, if that makes any sense. We didn't end up staying very long, mostly because Skylar was reacting to her massively large cats, but it didn't hurt that I was getting pretty anxious. After that, the big event was me going into the hospital for the most uncomfortable 5 days of my life. My head was wired up with EEG leads, I had to stay in bed the whole time, the room was especially warm, and the only time I could get up was when I had to go to the bathroom and even that I couldn't do by myself. After 5 days, I ended up having 6 non-epileptic "events", and I'll find out more about what that means on September 2nd when I see my neurologist. As far as the seizures are concerned, I'm having better results I think. I went a little over 2 weeks without a seizure until I had one this past Tuesday, but I'm drained and lethargic ALL THE TIME, my left arm is still messed up (can't feel it alot, and I only have to working fingers), and I often times feel as though I'm being "pulled" into the feeling of being underwater. I don't know, it doesn't make sense to me either.

Another event of interest is that I ended suspended my friendship with Aaron, the one that I write all of the emo/maudlin/pathetically sad entries about. After a tumultuous evening, I took a lot of thought and realized, I can't keep being angry at him and feeling that everything that he does stems from some sort of act of betrayal, and I don't want him to think that I am some jealous/spoiled rotten little brat who has a bitch fit every time something falls out of my control. It's not a healthy way to live, and it's not healthy for an over 6 year friendship that I carry close to my heart to ever endure. So, with the hope of mutual healing, I severed all ties to him (mostly on social networking sites), and it ended up exploding into a powderkeg. In the interest of not reopening fresh wounds and sparing my left hand from typing all of this out, it was ugly and Aaron was REALLY angry, and he has every right to be, I certainly can't stop him from that. Whether that comes off as high-and-mighty, or even slightly frigid, I know that I have to be steadfast in my decision to try and "fix" myself from being this angry for putting myself into an almost masochistic position, when all I really want to do at times is pick up the phone and call him (which is a difficult thing to do considering I deleted his number off of my phone). Even though the proverbial shit hit the fan, it doesn't mean that I don't think of him often and still don't care about him even though I am still fairly resentful, I'm not going to lie about that, but I realize that that's something that I need to work on if I ever have any hope of Aaron and I coming back to a place of friendship or even civility because he and I share more than one mutual friend.

Aside from that, the only thing left is drag, and I'm glad for that. It gets me out of the house when I would otherwise vegetate because I don't have the energy to do anything else (even the gym, swimming at Pam's with Skylar and Kiefer [oh yeah, Pam (Skylar's mom) got a rottweiler puppy at the end of July], or even doing Wii Fit take a lot out of me lately). We're currently prepping for a busy October; we're doing Tucson Pride, a benefit for the All Souls Precession, IDKE's kick-off show, and then a 4 day conference that we're hosting (IDKE), all back-to-back. So yeah, needless to say, October's going to be interesting. Last weekend, we went down to Douglas and had a photo shoot at the boarder, literally at the freaking border fence/wall. It was intense, I was having panic attacks left and right because I was in face the whole time, but all-in-all, it was an amazing trip, filled with laughter, good shots from what I hear, and bonding with my troupe mates. I got a copy of one of our group shots yesterday at practice, and I was moved by it for some reason, it came out beautifully.

So that's pretty much it. Sky and I are meeting up with the family again tonight at Gee's and I'll *hopefully* update about that tonight.

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